Moving on despite boyfriend’s kindness

Dear Harriette: I’m facing a dilemma and could really use your advice. I want to break up with my partner, but I feel indebted to him because of his kindness. He has always been incredibly kind and considerate toward me, going out of his way to make me feel loved and appreciated. However, I recently realized that our long-term compatibility is questionable. Despite his kindness, our differing needs and goals have become apparent. I don’t want to take his kindness for granted or seem ungrateful, but I also want to prioritize my own happiness. How can I approach this situation? — Sense of Indebtedness

Dear Sense of Indebtedness:

Pause to consider what you want for your life long-term. How do you want to spend your time when you are not working? What would you appreciate doing with a partner? What qualities are important for your partner to have?

Now, more specifically, you have already said that your partner is kind. What does his kindness look like? What does he do that makes you happy? What annoys you? What exactly do you mean by your differing needs and goals?

Assess these things to see if you are being fair to him and what you want from him. A partner is not supposed to fulfill every need. You should have friends and activities that are independent of your partner. Evaluate whether adding dimension to your life in some other way might solve your problem or if he truly is not the partner for you. If he is not, your kindness will be letting him go rather than misleading him into believing that you want to be with him for the long haul.

Dear Harriette: I feel compelled to add my perspective about the problem of the woman in her 30s who wrote to ask how to cope with her mother’s comments about her weight. I, too, had this same problem from a very early age. The comments started when I was about 5 years old. As an adult, I came to understand that my mother had her own eating disorder, and her comments were more a reflection of her problems than of mine. This allowed me, as an adult, to tell her in no uncertain terms that comments about my weight and about what I eat are absolutely not allowed.

My mother never really became aware of her own issues, but she did mostly keep quiet after that.

It took me years to understand that this was about her — not me. I sincerely hope that “Stop Bullying Me” can put an end to the comments and go on to live a happy, judgment-free life. — Been There

Dear Been There: Thank you for sharing your experience. Being bullied by your mother has got to be the worst feeling. If Stop Bullying Me’s mother is grappling with her own issues, knowing that could help ease the pain of her behavior. It’s worth considering.