Overly blunt tone rubs the wrong way
Dear Harriette: I have always valued honesty and transparency in my interactions with others. I strive to provide a realistic perspective and offer straightforward feedback or advice. However, it seems that this approach is not always appreciated or well-received. Rather than being seen as someone who is genuine and reliable, I find that my straightforwardness is often interpreted as insensitivity or even harshness.
I feel caught in a difficult position. On one hand, I want to maintain my integrity and authenticity by expressing my honest thoughts and opinions. On the other hand, I also want to foster positive and healthy relationships without causing unnecessary conflict or upsetting those around me. — Too Straightforward
Dear Too Straightforward: The Sufi poet Rumi is credited with something that may help guide your interactions with others. Before speaking, run your thoughts through the Four Gateways of Speech. Ask yourself these questions about what you are about to say: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it timely? Is it kind? Pause to consider each of those questions before you open your mouth. When you do that, inevitably you will edit your words, choose a different moment or sometimes say nothing at all. Directness has its place. Learn when and how to be direct so that you are honest without being hurtful.
Iama 25-year-old woman living in Phoenix, far from my family as I start my professional life. I have made
Dear Harriette:
a friend who is frustrating me because she never seems to take initiative or follow through on plans. I always have to reach out to her to hang out, and when we do make plans, she cancels half the time. I feel as if she doesn’t care about me, and my patience is wearing down because she has wasted hours of my time. We have been friends for two years, and I enjoy her company because she is very funny. Once she does manage to get to where we are meeting, I often forget all of the irritation she caused me. I’m not sure how to address this without her getting extremely defensive, but it’s becoming frustrating. How can I communicate my concerns about her lack of initiative and followthrough without damaging our friendship? — Is It Worth It?
Dear Is It Worth It?: Set boundaries around your engagement with this person. Don’t allow your loneliness to give her a pass when she is being rude or thoughtless. Give her a short grace period for being late, after which you leave. Let her know your new rules — then enforce them. Tell her directly that you don’t appreciate her blowing you off and generally being flaky. Ask her to honor the plans you make. If she doesn’t get better with time, stop cutting her slack. Get out there and meet new people. This is your time to blossom. Do not rely on one person to bring you happiness.