Parent is sticking by abusive partner
Hi, Carolyn: I’m in a relationship (not married) with a toddler. If we didn’t have a kid, I’d break up with him and happily never speak again. But I read so much about how kids thrive in stable families and are damaged by splits or divorces other than in highly abusive situations. My partner is not physically abusive but checks a lot of other boxes: yelling, vicious anger, name-calling, silent treatments. I just can’t bear the thought of giving up half the time with my kid. How do I decide? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, thehotline.org, the moment you feel safe doing it. The counsel it offers is not just for violent situations; it’s for any abusive conditions in a relationship. The staff can get you started on the legal and emotional path to save your kid.
The “yelling, vicious anger, name-calling, silent treatment” are abusive — highly. They’re also profoundly destabilizing to a home environment. Even if you weren’t describing an abusive environment, though, your conception of thriving would stop me. I don’t see any child deriving stable-family benefits from the degree of misery you describe.
Either way: What even babies get from a high-stress home is poor emotional modeling and enough cortisol to interfere with their mental health later on. Don’t take it from a layperson like me; ask your child’s pediatrician or the hotline.
Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a waterfront home. This is our permanent residence. Last summer was our first full summer in the home, and it was exhausting entertaining adult children (mine and his), grandchildren and their friends all summer long. I am a welcoming hostess. But I am dreading the upcoming summer. The laundry, food and drink bills, and the cleanup.
For this coming summer, I asked my fiancé if we can have a calendar so that we can space out these visits and have some downtime for ourselves, at least every other week.
He rolls his eyes and does not seem on board with what I think is a very reasonable request. I would love your help here. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: In my facial-expression-to-English dictionary, an eye roll means, “I hereby volunteer to strip all the beds, wash all the sheets and return all the hosting spaces to guest-readiness myself, because I am not the kind of presumptuous jerk who would expect you to do all the work while denying you any say in the amount.”
If he disagrees with this interpretation, then do not marry him. It’s possible I have never written anything with more conviction.
You are full partners in running your shared lives, period.