Student abroad feels guilty about family
Dear Harriette: Iama 20-year-old student who recently relocated temporarily to Europe. I have been living here for two months, and I love it. I have recently been feeling guilty because I have done a poor job of keeping in touch with my family. I was raised to be extremely independent, so I don’t often rely on my parents or older sisters for help with anything in my life emotionally or financially; therefore, I don’t often call.
I believe my subconscious feels horrible about the distance because I had a dream about my oldest sister the other day, and when I woke up, I realized she hadn’t even crossed my mind since I arrived in Europe two months ago. How can I address this guilt and find a balance between my independence and maintaining connections with my family? — Independent
Dear Independent: For your peace of mind, establish a rhythm for contacting your family members just to say hi. It can be anything from once a week to once a month. You can call or text. In that way, you know you are making an effort. It’s nice to keep them in the loop while you’re on your grand adventure.
Dear Harriette: Regarding the woman whose mother bullied her about her weight, “Stop Bullying Me,” I have the opposite issue — almost. A good (?) friend of mine is constantly ragging on me about my weight. I know I’m underweight, and she never lets up on me. She calls me Twiggs, Skinny Minnie, etc. She, on the other hand, is overweight. The last time she started name-calling, I looked her dead on and told her if she didn’t stop calling me those names, I would call her “Fatso.” She said “No, you won’t.” I replied, “Just watch me, Fatso!” Well, that stopped her dead in her tracks, and she has held her tongue since. I have noticed that people have no hesitation to ask what a thin person weighs, but they never ask an obese person! For reference, I am in my early 60s, and she is mid-70s, so it has nothing to do with age. Is it immaturity? Envy? Curiosity? Or plain intrusiveness?
— I Have a Name, and It’s Not My Weight
Dear I Have a Name, and It’s Not My Weight: Years ago, when I was the skinniest one in my family, I had the same problem. People were relentless with their disparaging comments. Several people told me they thought I got those comments due to jealousy. “Everybody wants to be skinny, right?” It hurts, regardless of the motivation. I agree that it is really difficult to call somebody out when they tease you. But you already saw that slapping back can sometimes stop them. So, for a while, counter with your names when they come for you. At the very least, it may start a conversation about the impact of teasing.