‘Confront’ brother who keeps distance
Dear Carolyn: How do you confront a person who is distancing themselves from you, without feeling like it will further push them away?
My brother is married, has a 17-month-old boy and helps his wife run a fairly successful restaurant in a resort town in Maryland. However, he barely acknowledges my mother, who is not overbearing and is very kind.
He lives far away, and whenever I try to talk to him on the phone, it feels like he’s being watched. So every conversation ends up feeling calculated and distanced.
It also makes it hard to bring up tough subjects when these conversations are very rare — once a month at most. I fear that he’ll further avoid us if we bring up how we feel.
I know the easy answer is “just talk to him,” but when communication isn’t his strong suit, what do you do? — Distant
Dear Distant: There are so many unknowns here, and it’s possible all of them can have an explanation that’s completely benign. He doesn’t like the phone, he feels more invested in things close to home, he loves you guys but took his own path so you don’t have as much in common anymore, he has a toddler and a busy restaurant and has zero bandwidth left after that — each of these seems credible to me.
I can also list ways these awkward phone conversations might indicate a bigger problem: He had a more overbearing experience with your mom, or his wife is the overbearing one, or he’s holding a grudge against you for something. Just a few of many possibilities. But unless you have direct evidence to support a darker view, then I suggest you assume the best, take nothing personally, be yourself, and keep making a steady, nonintrusive effort to keep the connection alive.
“Confront” is overused, by the way, both the word and the concept. It’s a last resort, if that — after you’ve done the work to improve a relationship overall and over time. By visiting, for example.
Readers’ thoughts:
■ Write to him! Maybe start with a funny postcard or greeting card. Don’t nag, don’t say “I miss you”; just “saw this and thought of you.” In his busy life, he might find time to reciprocate, or he might not, but he’ll know you love him and he’ll see that you aren’t pressuring him.
■ Having worked in the restaurant business with a father who managed, it’s all-consuming. Never mind owning a restaurant. In a resort town during the summer? Along with a toddler? Yikes. And, given that vacationers have been “catching up” post-COVID, I would question that brother has time to sleep!
“Confront” puts someone on the defensive and adds to the plate of stress. Maybe be curious about the brother and his life and see where it leads. Maybe go visit during the offseason.