Why is she asked about ‘real’ name?
DearAmy: I ama foreign-bornU.S. citizen fromHong Kong, a formerly British colony for more than a century. I have lived in theU.S. for over 40 years.
It is common for people inHong Kong to use aWestern name and our Chinese name together. Occasionally strangers in theU.S. askme if “LilyWong” ismy “real” name. It is onmy British passport, U.S. passport, global entry card, driver’s license, property deed and so on.
I feel discriminated against because I have an Asian face and accent and they want to point out the obvious— that I am not born here. I think corporations should include sensitivity training to educate employees not to ask if someone’s name is a “real” name— to point out the obvious that I amnot born here.
— Upset Citizen
DearUpset: People ask all sorts of insensitive questions, not always because they are trying to discriminate, upset you or point out your “otherness,” but because they are curious— or clueless— or a combination of both.
I agree that corporations should include sensitivity training so people would realize that what sounds like a benign question (“Is that your real name?”) has the opposite effect from what they might intend. Asking a person from Cleveland who has an American accent, “Where are you from?” is perceived very differently from when it is asked of you. An American-born or “American-looking” (whatever that is) person might see this as a normal icebreaker. You see it as an indication that the person doesn’t think you belong here. You might be wrong about that or overly sensitive regarding these questions, but people should be aware of how such questions come across.
I have a Chinese daughter and other Asian family members who also report frequent comments or questions designed to highlight their otherness, such as, “What are you?” or “Where are you really from?” Occasionally the people asking these questions are also Asian.
But let’s just stipulate that asking a fellowhuman being, “What are you?” is offensive. Oneway to respond to a question you don’t feel like answering is to turn it back on the questioner. If asked, “Is that your real name?” you could answer, “Why are you asking?” Depend- ing on the response, you could simply say, “Yes, it ismy real name.”
I hope youwill see themovie “Crazy Rich Asians.” This runaway American hit with an all-Asian cast explores, exploits and explodes these stereotypes.
DearAmy: About two years agomy husbandwas found searching online for porn. He evenwent to the extent of chatting with a lady or two online. After intense counseling for eightmonths, we seemed towork it all through. We have been married for 35 years.
A few days ago, hewas helping our son shop for a motorcycle online. My son told me that he came across awebsite that had motorcycles but also hadwomen— nearly nude— posing with them. My husband told me he stumbled upon this site but got out of it immediately.
Iwondered whether I should believe him but then felt guilty aboutmy reaction. Iwant to trust him, but it is hard. I’m not sure what to do.
— Roller-CoasterWife
Dear Wife: It is not surprising that your husband stumbled upon awebsite featuring motorcycles and nearly nude women. Searching for either of these thingswould undoubtedly turn up both. Your husband did the absolute right thing. He disclosed this to you immediately.
You have to learn to trust him. Trust is built every day in manyways. If you react with anger now, you will discourage him frombeing honest and transparent in the future. This is hardwork. He’s done his part, and nowyou must do yours.
DearAmy: Please remindwedding guests to please stick to the bridal registry. Post-wedding, I am still buying things I needed (and had onmy registry) and returning things I don’t need and already own (thatwere not onmy registry).
— FrustratedMrs.
Dear Frustrated: I’d also like to remind entitled brides to be grateful for all their gifts, no matter where they come from.
Copyright 2018 by Amy Dickinson Distributed by Tribune Content Agency