ASK AMY Son’s delirium causes long-held hurt
DearAmy: My son and I always had and still have a normal, loving, good relationship. Fifteen years ago, when he was 25, hewas diagnosed with a brain tumor. At the time, he had been married for two years to his college sweetheart.
Iwas fortunate enough to get referrals for the best surgeons. The operation went on for several hours. Upon his recovery, hewas still kind of groggy and in a lot of pain whenmy husband, daughter and Iwent to see him. I asked if therewas anything he needed. He told me to get out of the hospital room. His wife’s mother came in and he started calling out to her: “Mom!” and shewent to him. Iwas never so crushed inmy entire life.
I started to cry and ran out, and kept running. My daughter and husband brought me to the cafeteria in the hospital to try and calm me down. After the surgery, my son and his wife came back to stay atmy house until hewas healed enough to go to his home.
This incidentwas never brought up or talked about. Now, 15 years later, I still harbor hurt and resentment. How do I handle it? I’m not in good health. Should I keep it buried or bring it up?
I’m not sure if he remembers it and do notwant him to feel bad. However, it gnaws away onmy mind and heart.
— The RealMother
DearReal Mother: Unfortunately, I feel that the real pathology here is your holding onto an obviously hallucinatory statement made under extreme circumstances 15 years ago.
I don’t knowif you have ever been hospitalized and recovered from amajor operation using anesthetic, but I have seen people hallucinate and suffer from delirium while in the grip of “ICU psychosis.” My childrenwere completely loopy after only getting their wisdom teeth extracted. (One seemed to think that our dog, Calvin, would be driving her home from the dental office.)
I don’t think your son’s reaction is out of the ordinary. I do think youwere traumatized bywatching your son suffer and skate so close to death.
Please, do yourself and your family a favor and bring this up with your son. I hope you can temper your reaction to this enough to understand that he didn’t knowwhat hewas saying and likely has no memory of it. I hope a reassuring hug and an “I love you, Mom,” will allowyou to close this chapter in your emotional life. Holding on to this is not good for your health. Find away to let it go.
DearAmy: My first girlfriend, “Annie,” and Iwent out for two months. Then I found out that Annie cheated on me with another guy. Theywere at a bar, drinking and laughing. I broke upwith Annie, and I neverwent back to her.
Last month, Imet a pretty girl, “Rebecca,” who is awarm and kindhearted person. We hit it off right away. Yesterday, I sawher with another guy at a mall.
I’m afraid that I’m being cheated on again. What should I do?
— Cheated Upon?
Dear CheatedUpon: You are new to this. You cannot policewomen you have known for a relatively short time and declare that laughing with a guy in a bar orwalking with a guy through a mall is cheating.
The assumptions you are making, and your behavior concerning thesewomen, reveal howinexperienced you are. Dating is a process of getting to knowsomeone and communicating your various needs and expectations. Unless you and someone you’re seeing mutually decide that you are “exclusive,” you’re not.
Seeing other people under these circumstances is not cheating. You need to get a handle on your jealousy.
DearAmy: “Lost and Sad” reported having “lost” their father. Itwasn’t until I read the full letter that I understood that the fatherwasn’t “lost,” but dead! Why can’t people talk plainly about death?
— Plain Talker
Dear Talker: People use many euphemisms when referring to death. These indirect expressions—“lost,” “late,” “passed”— all imply that the beloved person is more or lesswaiting in another room. And for bereaved people, that’s howit feels. Let it be.
Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson
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