Don’t live with dad of lazy daughters
DearAmy:
About two years ago, I got together with an old classmate at our 30th reunion.
We get along great except for one thing, well, two things.
His daughters are 18 and 20. They have no jobs and have never been asked to do any chores around the house.
I told him early on this would be a problem ifwe were tomove in together in the future. He said he understood andwould start asking them to do things.
He never did. During the pandemic, I’ve been staying at his house.
Imade a chore board (at his request), only asking them to vacuum twice a week and clean their bathroomevery otherweek.
He and I constantly argue about him not asking them to make sure it’s done.
I don’t knowhowto remedy this.
I lovehimbutwill not cater to two adults who do nothing. Any advice?
— FedUp
Dear FedUp:
Theway for you to remedy this is to leave the household and move back to your home. You don’t seem able to tolerate this, and so not living with a couple of frustratingly lazy young women will solve your problem.
Youmoved in with a man whose householdwas intact. This is his house. These are his layabout children (he taught this and tolerates it). You are, essentially, aCOVID-19 houseguest, and as such, you don’t get to dictate howthis household runs.
You laid downyour nonnegotiable early, and youmoved in with him anyway, even though you had no evidence the household dynamicwas suitable for you.
Your guy is unwilling to insist his daughters do anything differently. Perhaps they will eventually move out (although given their ages and the current situation, that probably will not happen anytime soon).
However, you canmove out nowand continue to date your guy, without the pressure of feeling so unhappy about his failings as a father.
DearAmy:
My husband of 23 years just passed away.
He had been divorced for 26 years. His former wife, “Shelly,” walked out on him and their two children.
Nowthat he is gone, Shelly is coming by and asking for items fromour home she sayswere hers and thatmy husband would not give to her.
I have told her this should have been handled at the time of the divorce.
The things are petty, but I don’t think that I’m obligated to give her anything.
Whenthey got divorced she didn’t contest it; she didn’t even have a lawyer. My husband handled everything.
Howshould I handle her the next time she comes around? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed:
I agree you are not obligated to give anything to “Shelly,” but I think you should sit on this for as long as you want to in order to make a decision that feels right for you.
If these items are not big, valuable or particularly important to you, you might actually end up feeling liberated if these items leave your household. Understanding, or believing, that these things might have originally belonged to Shelly could make it awkward for you to continue to live with them.
I suggest you get her contact information, ask her to refrain frompopping by uninvited, and let her knowyou will definitely contact her if youwant to pass along any of these possessions.
DearAmy:
As an adult looking back, I recall that my childhood abuser (“Mr. Smith”), who abusedme fromthe ages of 4 to 12, had a framed picture of his three granddaughters (that his familywould not allow him to visit) in his home.
I understandwhy people feel they can’t file charges against (pedophile) family members, but I believe I was the replacement granddaughter; the result of people who cannot report abuse. — Survivor
Dear Survivor:
Your story sends shivers upmy spine. Thank you so very much for summoning the courage to share it.
Your attitude is laudable. Beyond laudable.
I believe that family members who protect their own children fromfurther abuse, but knowingly permit an abuser to stay in the world to prey on other children should be charged as accessories-after-thefact.