Young dad seeks more time with folks
Dear Amy: My sister and I both have young children (I have three kids, age 7 and younger, she has two under age 4).
My sister relies heavily on my mom for child care throughout various times of the year. As such, my parents spend 90 percent more time with her kids than with ours.
My wife and I would like our kids to get more quality time with their grandparents (and we could also use the extra support). How do we find more balance, while respecting the needs of my sister and without burning out my parents? Thank you for your insights. Dear Brother/Dad: It sounds as if you are less interested in balance and more interested in how to get your mother to do more for you, specifically.
Your mother provides child care for two young children. You would like to add on some child care for your three young children. That’s a lot of child care. Hasn’t your mother already raised children? Does she want to do this?
You don’t note the circumstances behind these needs. Is your sister a single mom? Is your mother providing full-time care, or is she stepping in on Saturdays? And what are your true needs (versus those fueled by sibling rivalry)?
If you want your folks to spend more quality time with your kids, invite them to spend time with your family — not only to babysit, but to do things with all of you. “Quality time” is playing games together, going to plays, movies and concerts, and occasionally sitting down with a cocktail or coffee, enjoying the kids while someone else takes primary care of them.
Dear Amy: Our father died last year. The youngest of four siblings became the estate’s executor.
On the day of the interment, “Bart,” our older brother, asked how soon he would receive his share of the estate. I was shocked. I explained the process, which takes time. Bart made the same inquiry over several months. We suggested he hire a lawyer to explain the process if he did not believe what we were doing/saying, which unfortunately delayed things further.
Although we all received a partial distribution, Bart told a sibling that we would no longer have access to our teenage niece and nephew until Bart had received all of his money.
We are almost at the end of the process. Unfortunately, during that time, Bart became terminally ill. Given the timing, his spouse may be the person receiving his inheritance.
The executor and estate lawyer have done everything possible to accommodate his expectations. Meanwhile we have had no contact with our niece or nephew. We have sent cards and gifts, and heard nothing back. Our hope is that someday, maybe even at “Bart’s” funeral, we will reunite with them. If this happens, how should we respond if they ask why we’ve been distant? Dear Perplexed: I’m going to offer you some honest feedback about the situation you describe.
Your brother is terminally ill. Although he disclosed this more recently, it’s possible that he suspected or knew about his illness when your father died. This would have created some very complicated emotions, confusion and perhaps time pressure.
It is also possible that his illness has distorted his emotions and reactions. It would be generous of you and your other siblings to offer your brother every possible benefit of the doubt. I think you would all feel better if you did.
Yes, keep in touch with his children. After your brother’s death, let them know that, “For a bunch of complicated reasons, your dad didn’t want us to see you, and we have missed you very much.”
Dear Amy: Responding to “Unmerry Christmas,” the grandparents who basically “crashed” the other in-laws’ Christmas brunch, we have learned that we need to be very flexible over the holidays. If parents and grandparents can just let go of jealousies and enjoy the time they have, these times can hold such very special memories.
My husband and I decided as our children started to marry and start their own families that we would always try to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Dear Happy: …AndI assume your children are grateful. Well done.