ASK AMY Mother-in-law’s questions go too deep

DearAmy: My mother-inlawonly reaches out to me when she is concerned about her son. He’s an only child, and she constantly worries about him.

She calls or texts me to ask howhe’s eating, exercising, his latest bowel movements ... you getmy drift.

Iwant to think the best of her. I believe she is trying to be a goodmomby being involved. However, it also makes me feel like she sees me as her spy or a vehicle to “fix” whatever is worrying her about him.

He’s not eating healthy? It’s up to me to force-feed him his greens. He’s not exercising enough? I should dance sexy for him (herwords, not mine) to get himmoving.

I’m notmy husband’s “fixer.” He’s a grown man, and it’s up to him to eat and exercisewell.

It’s also a little hurtful that she takes no interest in me other than a, “Hello, how’ve you been? Now, let’s talk aboutmy son.”

I knowit’swrong, but lately I have been ignoring the inappropriate suggestions and delaying answering her other messages. Howshould I handle this?

— NotMyHusband’s Fixer

Dear Not: Is your husband in a coma? Has he fallen down awell?

I ask because, unless he is voiceless, he should be talking to his mother about his toileting habits.

I assume your husband is ducking his mother because he is exhausted by these intrusive questions. If you asked him, “Howdo you cope with these questions?” He’d probably answer, “I ignore her, or tell her to talk to you.”

This is a boundary issue. If your husband is in fact alive and nearby, you can tell your mother-in-law, “He’s right here. Let me hand him the phone,” or “I’ll make sure he knows you called,” or simply, “That’s pretty personal. You should ask him!”

Also say, “I knowhow much you care about how ‘Paul’ is doing, but he’s basically great. He and I are happy, but I’m not really in charge of him.” Then you pivot to ask her a question about howshe is and what she is up to. And yes, ignore or delay answering texts you don’t want to answer.

Your mother-in-lawwill always care more for her son than for you. She may always be an annoying nudge. Be kind, be firm, and practice establishing healthy boundaries, and youwon’t dread hearing fromher quite so much.

DearAmy: Our daughter and her fiancéwere planning awedding for this summer. Due to the pandemic, they have decided to reschedule the ceremony for next summer. However, in actuality, theywere married over a year ago in secret, so their “wedding” will be held almost three years after being married in the first place.

The discussion nowis whether they should announce that they are already married, and if so, how. What is your feeling?

— PerplexedMomand Pop

Dear Perplexed: Over the years, I’ve been surprised at howoften couples get married privately or “secretly,” before they host theirweddings. I have heard fromcouples, family members and clergy that this is fairly common and that it shouldn’t pose a problem for others.

However, I believe that honesty can prevent misunderstandings, gossip or hard feelings later on.

The couple could say (not on the invitation, but as an addendum): “We were married privately at the courthouse last year, but nowwe are ready to take vows in front of friends and family in a public ceremony. We hope you will join us.”

DearAmy: Responding to the question from“Let it Be,” who didn’twant to reach out to his estranged father— boy, could I relate.

I finally forcedmyself to reach out to the father who had abandoned me, and while I don’t think either of uswere completely satisfied with our father/ daughter relationship, as you said, “Reconciliation is its own reward.”

Our relationship may have been a bit awkward or painful at times, but itwas also rewarding. My dad was able to have a “baggage-free” relationship withmy daughter that he greatly enjoyed. And for me, thatwaswonderful to watch.

I’m glad I chose to be the grown-up and reached out.

— Grateful Daughter

DearDaughter: I hada similar experience withmy own father.

Copyright 2020 byAmy Dickinson