Polyamory creates extra family challenge
Dear Amy: My son and his wife have been married for almost 10 years. Recently, his wife explained to me that they are polyamorous.
I did not really know what this was. She explained it and said that she wants to be honest with everyone.
I was in total shock.
I love them both. I want them to be happy. They were married in her church, and I do not understand this.
I want to be a part of their lives, but I do not know that I can cope with them bringing other intimate partners to our family gatherings, which is one of the things she says she would like to do.
I don’t know anyone who has experienced this. How can I keep my relationship with my son? My daughter-in-law wants honest acceptance. She says they have the right to live their lives the way they want to. But do I have any rights to what I am feeling about all of this?
Your advice?
— Confused Mom
Dear Mom: A polyamorous relationship is one that has more than two partners, where, for instance, a couple will bring another adult into their intimate life as a partner.
I shared your question with sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., author of “When Someone You Love is Polyamorous” (2016, Thorntree Press). Dr. Sheff and I agree that you deserve lots of credit for your kindness to your son and willingness to accept his family.
Her response: “This is a great first reaction if you want to maintain positive relationships with sex and gender minority family members. Acceptance doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and I suggest that you all take smaller steps of getting to know each other at first. For instance, instead of meeting for the first time at grandma’s 90th birthday or Passover dinner, meet the son, daughter-in-law and their partners on Zoom for a chat, in the park for a walk, on the porch for cup of coffee . ... This allows you to establish a connection, chat with less pressure, and talk about boundaries before plunging into a big family gathering, which is already kind of stressful, even if it is fun.”
“At the same time, educate yourself on consensual nonmonogamy by reading and asking your son and his wife questions about their lives. There are literally hundreds of websites and social media pages devoted to polyamory.
“Finally, give yourself some credit for trying to understand, as well as some patience if it takes you, and them, a little while to adjust to this new family style.”
Dear Amy: My husband is very handsome. As he has aged, his hair is going gray and is now George-Clooney-perfect.
My problem is that he insists on at-home coloring it with box dye ... from a pharmacy. It starts out OK, but then fades to a kind of “burnt fox” brown. His hair is lovely when it’s gray.
Please help me have this very sensitive conversation.
— Dyeing for Help in CA
Dear Dyeing: Your husband seems to be open with you about his hair habit. The pandemic has inspired many people to let their hair grow out naturally, and it really is the ideal time to do this.
Tell your husband, “Honey, this might be the perfect time for you to assume your identity as the original ‘silver fox.’ I’m willing to risk how attracted other people will be to you, if you want to give it a try.”
There are some fun apps that will let people experiment virtually with how they’d look with a different hair color. Your husband could start there.
Dear Amy: As a family physician of more than 40 years, let me point out an important distinction to your reply to “Concerned,” who was struggling with obesity.
You suggested a “nutritionist.” I would suggest a registered dietician.
RDs are an important part of the health care team. They have four to eight years of education and have passed the standard CDR exam of the Commission on Dietetic Registration.
They are licensed/ registered in most states. In contrast, anyone can hang out a shingle and call themselves a “nutritionist” without any training.
Dear Dr. Levites: Thank you for prompting this clarification.
At some point, the Chicago Bears have to take their shot.
A perfect quarterback isn’t going to become available, at least not a realistic one, so any possibility will have pluses and minuses. You can build a case for or against all of the potentially available passers, including Carson Wentz.
The Bears have been rumored to be in the mix to acquire Wentz via trade from the Philadelphia Eagles, and the buzz has been so loud in coaching and front-office circles, it’s either the least stealthy move general manager Ryan Pace has ever made or his counterpart in Philadelphia, Howie Roseman, is desperately trying to create more interest.
The Bears are an easy mark in the high-stakes quarterback carousel because they are desperate. The Indianapolis Colts also have been linked to Wentz, and sources say the Eagles have been working overtime to involve other teams.
There’s a huge gap between Wentz’s ceiling — when he was playing at an MVP level in 2017 before a season-ending knee injury — and his floor, which was a disastrous 2020 season. Wentz’s best came a long time ago. Mitch Trubisky was the future hope of the Bears during the 2017 season when Wentz was emerging as one of the great young talents in the league.
Wentz struggled as the team around him decayed and the coaching dynamic shifted will in Philadelphia. It’s telling that the Eagles are driven to trade him — it has gone way too far for them to keep Wentz at this point — and incur a massive salary-cap hit of $34 million in the process.
Pace really liked Wentz back in 2016, when the Eagles traded up to draft him with the No. 2 pick, and the Bears have quarterbacks coach John DeFilippo on staff. He worked with Wentz in Philadelphia, so it’s certainly possible the Bears believe they can fix him. But at what price?
The Eagles should not get close to the package the Detroit Lions got in the Matthew Stafford trade. The Los Angeles Rams shipped first-round draft picks in 2022 and 2023 to Detroit because the Lions also took on Jared Goff and his contract in the deal. A team acquiring Wentz would be on the hook for $47.2 million in guarantees over the next two years.
Although Stafford is five years older than Wentz, 28, he’s viewed as much more of a sure thing with fewer durability questions. What the Eagles wind up getting for Wentz and where they send him will be interesting, but the much smaller market for him in comparison with Stafford reflects the difference in perceived value.
Maybe the Bears will take a shot at Wentz with the belief he can regain his confidence. Perhaps their focus is elsewhere. Either way, there’s a lot of work to do and the team should be active this month.
Here are some things to keep an eye out for this offseason.
1. With Ryan Pace and Matt Nagy feeling the pressure to win in 2021, the Bears cannot afford to lose wide receiver Allen Robinson.
Fitting the franchise tag into a reduced 2021 salary cap, rumored to be at or a little above $180 million, would be difficult, but rebuilding the offense without Robinson would be even more challenging. Absent a long-term deal, which seems unlikely now, Feb. 23 is the first day teams can apply the franchise tag.
The deadline to use tag is 3 p.m. March 9.
2. The Bears will be tight against the salary cap.
That’s why they might seek to renegotiate the contract of a quarterback they trade for. That doesn’t mean offering a pay cut — that’s not going to happen — but it could mean moving some numbers around to lower the 2021 cap number.
The Bears also can create cap space by shedding some players. Right tackle Bobby Massie could be released, which would create an immediate need on the offensive line.
Only one player with a looming roster bonus could be in jeopardy: nickel cornerback Buster Skrine. He’s due a $500,000 roster bonus March 19, and the Bears could move on after a concussion sidelined him late in the season.
The Bears really valued tight end Jimmy Graham for his veteran presence and productivity in the red zone this past season. But do they want to pay him $7 million in 2021?
Finally, the Bears can continue their recent cap management plan of renegotiating contracts of high-priced players to create immediate relief and kick guaranteed money down the road. Free safety Eddie Jackson could be up for a restructuring. The Bears could extend cornerback Kyle Fuller, who is signed for one more season, to create cap space. They also could consider reworking Khalil Mack’s contract.
3. Matt Nagy has been considering hiring a veteran coach who might carry a title like ‘senior defensive assistant.’
Former Green Bay Packers defensive coordinator Mike Pettine is known to be a possibility for this role.
Adam Caplan reported the Bears also interviewed Matt Burke, who was the Eagles defensive line coach last season and the Miami Dolphins defensive coordinator in 2017 and 2018.
Figure Nagy will staff soon. finalize his coaching
4. While the Bears need to create cap space, they also could re-sign some of their players before the new league year starts March 17.
The Bears gave new contracts to Eddie Jackson and Bobby Massie in January the last two years, and they have a handful of players coming out of contract.
They might be proactive trying to sign kicker Cairo Santos and kickoff returner Cordarrelle Patterson.
Kansas dropped out of The Associated Press men’s college basketball poll for the first time in 12 years on Monday, ending the Jayhawks’ record streak of 231 consecutive weeks ranked in the Top 25.
Gonzaga and Baylor held down the top two spots, just as they have all season.
Michigan took advantage of Villanova’s loss at St. John’s to jump into the top three, rival Ohio State climbed three spots to No. 4 and the Wildcats rounded out the top 5.
When Kansas and UCLA fell out this week, it left the AP Top 25 without the Jayhawks, Bruins and fellow bluebloods Duke, Kentucky and North Carolina — with their combined 33 national championships — for the first time since Dec. 18, 1961.
No. 2 Baylor postponed three more games due to Big 12 COVID-19 protocols. The unbeaten Bears already were on pause and had postponed two games in addition to games earlier in the season. Baylor’s next scheduled game is Feb. 20 against Oklahoma State . ... UNC’s home game against Miami on Monday was postponed. The decision came hours after The Daily Tar Heel posted a Snapchat video showing UNC players Day’Ron Sharpe and Armando Bacot partying without masks on, along with other people not wearing masks after UNC’s 91-87 win over Duke on Saturday.
College football: Iowa State coach Matt Campbell agreed to a three-year contract extension through the 2028 season. Financial terms weren’t announced. Campbell, 41, won Big 12 coach of the year honors for the third time in four seasons after leading the Cyclones to their first Big 12 title game and first New Year’s Six bowl victory.
NBA: ESPN reported that Pacers assistant coach Bill Bayno resigned, citing mental health. Bayno, 58, who began a leave of absence two weeks ago, lost his parents in 2019 and 2020 and then multiple friends during the pandemic . ... Bulls F Lauri Markkanen will miss two to four weeks with a sprained right shoulder. Markkanen, 23, a former first-round draft pick, is averaging a career-best 19.1 points and 6.1 rebounds on 51.4% shooting in his fourth season.
NFL: The Vikings promoted QBs coach Klint Kubiak, 33, to offensive coordinator, according to reports. Kubiak replaces his father, Gary, who retired two weeks ago.
NHL: The league extended postponements for the Sabres, Wild and Devils as the teams recover from COVID-19 outbreaks. The Avalanche also are on hold but may return Thursday . ... Maple Leafs winger Wayne Simmonds will miss six weeks with a broken left wrist . ... Ralph Backstrom, a six-time Stanley Cup winner with the Canadiens, college coach and founder of a minor league team, died Sunday. He was 83. Backstrom played in 1,336 career games in the NHL and the WHA, collecting 378 goals and 514 assists. He also coached the University of Denver, leading the Pioneers to the NCAA Frozen Four in 1986.
Soccer: Manchester United will be without midfielder Paul Pogba for “a few weeks” because of a thigh injury, manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer announced.
Tennis: Defending champ and top-ranked Novak Djokovic beat Jeremy Chardy 6-3, 6-1, 6-2 in the opening round of the Australian Open in Melbourne.