Toxic sister dynamic remains family secret

Dear Amy: I am a retired older woman. I’ve been chained to my sister “Janet” my entire life. We were treated as one person growing up and were expected to share everything. I believe our relationship was extremely unbalanced because I did all of the sharing, and Janet, the taking.

Janet grew up to be arrogant and thoughtless. I married young and had a family and career; she in turn had a career, multiple marriages and no children.

I have a lot of anxiety when I remember how badly she treated me. I never told our parents how she behaved when we shared a dorm room in college. I don’t believe in betraying confidences, even if I am the victim. My family was unaware of her games.

I helped Janet through her multiple divorces, did her homework in college, helped her find a career and always invited her to join me on vacation. She never reciprocated.

On our last vacation with my family, she secretly played her entitlement over me when we shared a room. I do not want to continue being her only friend and companion.

We do not live near each other, and I am thankful for that. She is very rude and overbearing, but my family is not aware of how she has treated me or others.

I am not going to “tattle” on her; I just want her to go away. How can I get her out of my life without becoming the bad person?

— Bullied

Dear Bullied: My first suggestion is that you should never share a room with your sister. You’ve had a lifetime of negative experiences in that regard.

My second suggestion is that you draw out that distance to limit contact with her altogether.

As a chronically oppressed person, you also seem to be oppressing yourself, essentially following up on your sister’s bullying by treating it like a secret. “Tattling” is what kids worry about. Telling your own truth (or acting in your best interest) is adult business.

You have adopted the idea that a victim speaking out represents some sort of betrayal to the family system that created and supported this dynamic.

If you can’t bring yourself to confront your sister, then you should at the very least limit contact with her. Refusing to share a room with her on family vacations would be a start. If she asks why, tell her that you’re simply tired of tolerating a family dynamic that you can’t seem to change. It’s time for you to take better care of yourself.

Dear Amy: An elderly person in our small community has just died. Those in my generation have known her for our entire lives.

One of her sons was in my class in high school. She was active in our church, and as her health started failing, we did what we could to visit with her and be helpful to her family.

This probably sounds like a silly problem, but her family has decided not to have any kind of service for her. They said this was her wish.

Some of us are somewhat surprised and feeling hurt about this. I’d like to encourage the family to have a memorial service of some kind, but that seems like an overreach. What do you think?

— Sad

Dear Sad: Telling a family what to do after the death of a parent in order to soothe the community is definitely an overreach.

You and other members of your community might want to hold a simple, non-religious sharing circle (for lack of another term) as a way to mark your friend’s passing. Perhaps you could plant a tree in a prominent space and dedicate it to her (her children might want to attend, if they are local).

Dear Amy: I am so proud of “Judgmental Teenager” for recognizing what’s coming naturally to her and seeking help to change it.

I was raised in a very judgmental home.

I still fight my nature to judge on a daily basis, but that recognition is the first step.

The thoughts may never stop coming, but when you’re aware of what you’re doing, you can work to reframe your thoughts, and you can certainly choose not to vocalize them to others.

— Working on It

Dear Working: I was impressed by both this teenager’s awareness and her motivation to change.