ASK AMY Did family fret over guest’s disability, remark?
Dear Amy: I’m a widower, and my significant other, “Siena,” is a widow.
Long ago, we dated in college, but life got in the way, and we drifted apart. We married other people. Both of our spouses are deceased. Decades later, we are now in a wonderful relationship.
Last year, I brought Siena to my daughter’s big annual family get-together. We had a great time. We felt welcome (we thought); but this year, it all changed. I received a text from my daughter inviting me, but not Siena, to the party.
I texted back, “What about Siena?” She replied that some of her husband’s family members were uncomfortable with Siena’s attendance.
Siena had polio as a child, paralyzing both of her legs. She uses leg braces and aluminum forearm crutches to walk.
I was told that some of last year’s attendees were “worried” that she’d trip over the children scurrying about, but we believe that wasn’t the real reason.
At that party, somebody asked Siena if she had been vaccinated against polio as a child. She replied that her mother would not allow her to get the polio vaccine. She described it like this: “Even way back then, some people were crazy anti-vaxxers.”
Evidently, there are anti-vaxxers in my son-inlaw’s family, and Siena’s comment must have offended one or more of them. Or perhaps they just don’t like being around people with disabilities.
We’re fine not attending the party, but do you think I should have a discussion with my daughter about Siena’s banishment, or should I let it slide to ensure peace with the in-laws? Siena is convinced that we (I) should let it go.
— Undecided
Dear Undecided: You could ask your daughter for further clarity regarding “Siena’s” banishment from her home for this event.
(It is possible these inlaws who are anti-vaccinations are also too delicate, frightened or offended to confront the consequential reality of a world without vaccination.)
Your daughter might not admit that one or more of her husband’s relatives are in the “crazy anti-vaxxers,” category, but I think it would be helpful to try to discern how open she is to having a relationship with your partner.
You and Siena are together, and so Siena is coming into your daughter’s family. The same dynamic that has you wanting to keep the peace with your in-laws also extends to your daughter, who should extend kindness toward your partner.
After you ask about this, listen to your daughter and — assuming she won’t supply a satisfying response — you and Siena should let it go.
Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I are in our late 20s. Recently, my grandfather died, and I inherited $500,000. This came as a complete surprise. In addition to missing my grandfather and feeling grateful for his generosity, we are thrilled by this gift.
My girlfriend is eager to retire early. She sees this as life-changing, and we are talking about the best way to spend it. We agreed to bring this dilemma to you.
— Blessed
Dear Blessed: I appreciate your trust in me; you should trust a qualified financial adviser even more.
My reaction is: This is not your girlfriend’s money to dream about. It is yours. One way this windfall might be “life-changing” would be for you to take a good look at your girlfriend’s reaction to it.
You should not be thinking about how to spend this money, but how to invest or save it. This is a lot of money, and yet it is not even close to the amount someone your age would need to retire. (However, if you choose to, it could get you comfortably into your first home, which might be a good investment for you.)
Dear Amy: Responding to “Puzzled Parents” about insisting on As and Bs in college, we have three adult children.
We also agreed to rules for paying for college: You must pass a class for us to continue to pay for continued tuition. You must also complete college before age 30, and our participation only covers bachelor’s degrees.
They all felt it was fair, and we are happy to say they all have degrees as of this spring.
— Proud Parents
Dear Proud: Congratulations to all of you!