Merry Christmas to all, and to all a get over yourselves, will ya?
“Merry Christmas,” might be the happiest word coupling in the English language (“free sushi” and “open bar” are close, however).
It’s also been under fire for some time now.
Fact is, if you say “Merry Christmas” to the wrong person, you might find yourself in a heap of trouble. Just ask comedian Whitney Cummings, who related a story the other night to Conan O’Brien about how she was working on a TV show last year, wished everyone a “Merry Christmas,” and … an intern reported her to HR.
“I’ve been told the safest thing to say is ‘have a good holiday’ then to set yourself on fire,” she tweeted last week after her late night appearance.
This is a world gone mad. When someone wishes me - an agnostic Buddhist Jewish Jedi - a “Merry Christmas,” I respond in the only way possible: “And a merry Christmas to you as well!” Sometimes I change it up a bit, maybe shorten it up, but the general gist is the same: I accept the heartfelt “merry Christmas” and I return it in kind.
Why do I do this? Why do I allow people to wish me a “merry Christmas” even though I’m not a Christian? Simple. Because I’m also not an asshat.
Obviously, wishing someone you don’t know very well a “merry Christmas” is not a religious thing. It’s a cultural thing. While Christmas is clearly a major religious holiday - birth of Jesus, etc. - it’s 100% not a religious thing in the day-to-day interactions between human Americans.
Seriously: It’s the seasonal equivalent of saying, “Hot enough for ya?”
Sure, of course, there’s nothing wrong with a “happy holidays!” but please, my fellow Americans who celebrate Christmas - that’s over 90% of you, according to a Pew Research study - don’t get your panties all in a bunch when you see me out in those Christmas streets. No need to twist yourself up by starting to say “Merry Christmas” only to stop yourself and stammer out a sheepish “happy Hanukkah” or “happy holidays!” instead. I mean, if you want to, go ahead, but I’m strong enough in my agnostic Buddhist Jewish Jedi beliefs that I won’t crumble into dust - or report you to HR - should you have the nerve to be kind to me by hoping my December 25 is a merry one. (And honestly, I’m surprised “happy holidays” hasn’t come under fire yet. What about the .00001% of Americans who don’t celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, or the new year? What about them? Who’s looking out for them? Anyway …)
Anyway, why people choose to get triggered by this is beyond me, but these are the times we live in. Everyone is a protected class, outrage is our default position, and common sense - along with common decency - is in short supply.
Listen, I get it: Cultural sensitivity is a thing, and it’s almost always a good thing. We should be aware of our differences and we should do all we can to make sure people don’t feel shunned or left out because they are the “other,” whatever the “other” may be in any given situation.
And to be fair, if someone said to me, “Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and he should be yours as well, here’s some literature, and have a merry Christmas” I’d be put off.
But a general, happy, jovial, well-meaning, wellintentioned “Merry Christmas?” I love it, and I want more of it. You’d have to be an insane person to get upset by it.
And so, I have but one thing left to say, and it is this: If you celebrate the Christian holiday of Christmas, I hope you enjoy it if you so choose to, and if you choose to not enjoy it, I hope you don’t experience enjoyment.
Hardy-har-har. Merry Christmas!