She’s singing a new song now, sights set on the stars
I am going to become the next major musical sensation.
Some of you doubt me. Some of you are sensible people. Some of you are pirates. Look, I’m just listing statistics.
It is true that I have not yet showcased any musical talent. No, now that I think about it, I have.
Once I stubbed my toe on a chair and reached a high C.
So the raw ability is there. I just have to develop it.
Of course, there is a long road to walk between here and the stage where I’ll accept a Grammy.
But so long as there’s furniture along the way, I’ll have no trouble hitting the high notes.
Grammys are given each year to artists who sing badly but sell well. Despite their creative shortcomings, there’s something to be said for the value of popular appeal.
There’s also something to be said for the value of money. I could get to the top of the charts simply by standing on a pile of the stuff.
Right now, the only figures in my bank account are figures of speech. But in my future, I see checks with lots of zeros on them.
Once I figure out how to walk like a singer and talk like a singer, getting rich off the industry will be a piece of cake.
I’ll have to eat lots of those, because the singers who are built like horses sing like birds. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
Apart from putting on a few pounds, the other strategy requires putting in earplugs. I’ve heard loudness equals confidence.
At least I think I’ve heard. I still have the things in.
So if I sing loudly, even if I reach octaves unknown to musicologists, I’ll rocket to the top of the charts.
Plus I might break a wineglass, which is the only worthwhile reason to go see an opera, anyway.
Not that I sing opera. I prefer songs whose lyrics have more meaning than “Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!”
For example, the song “Blue,” by Eiffel 65, strikes directly at the soul with the hugely meaningful chorus, “I’m blue, da ba dee da ba di.”
Or maybe it’s “ba da bee ba da bee.” Brings you to tears, doesn’t it?
I could totally write something like that. I have willpower. I have a microphone. Speaking of other things I have, I have trouble with sheet music.
Writing lyrics is a real pain when the only letters you can use are A through G.
So I’ll have to liberate myself from the shackles of musical notation. I’ll sing everything but notes.
But at this point, I’ll have to admit that I’m just making noise. That’s music without constraints.
Art does require technical skill. It needs to show competence, not just feelings.
Once you take away good chord progressions and meaningful lyrics, all that’s left is someone who wants attention.
Often, they can’t even break a wineglass.
To those among us with less artistic ability, this is not a pleasant realization. But it makes a great subject for a ballad.