To forgive or not to forgive? That is the big question

Forgiveness. This is a topic that I have studied and conducted research on for more than 15 years. My work and writings on the subject have been published in academic Journals, in a book chapter and in newspaper articles and I have presented numerous papers, workshops and seminars on various aspects of forgiveness and self-forgiveness at local, state, national and international conferences and forums.

This summer, I will share some of the results of my research and discuss some of my thoughts on the subject of forgiveness. I also will invite you to weigh in on the discussion about forgiveness by sharing your point of view in response to several questions that will be raised on this most important subject.

Forgiveness is one of the most compelling subjects of the 21st century, and to some extent, it is also a concept that is one of the most misunderstood. It is subject open to a wide variety of interpretations, and people view the term and react to it differently.

There is no denying that people sometimes hurt other people. And, sometimes it is unwarranted, unjust, unfair and undeserved.

Emotions related to these undeserved offenses range from quiet acceptance all the way to deep resentment, bitterness and, in some cases, a fury that is emotionally paralyzing, depending on the perceived gravity of the offense as well as the remorsefulness of the offender.

To forgive or not to forgive is a dilemma that has in one form or another emerged again and again from the highest levels of the global and political arenas to the intimacy of personal family constellations.

Issues related to forgiveness continue to tear at the moral fiber of today’s society. Whether expressed in overt cries for help through crime, or mental or physical anguish or coveted internally in the form of quiet desperation and/or depression, the fact of the ‘forgiveness’ matter is that many people are hurting and don’t know how to manage their emotional pain.

People are confused and conflicted internally about what to think and how to feel about forgiveness. And, perhaps even more importantly, many are just as unsure and troubled about how to deal with their very real, and perhaps justified, feelings of unforgiveness.

There is confusion about what forgiveness is and what it is not as well as how to achieve it.

In my experience as a researcher on the subject of forgiveness, I have found that regardless of one’s personal interpretation of forgiveness, most individuals view it as a good thing to do and as something that they ought to strive for. Regardless of whether someone is personally ready, willing, and/ or able to forgive, most people see it as the ideal and perhaps Christian thing to do. Unfortunately, forgiveness is not something that usually happens on command simply because we believe it to be the right or expected thing to do. It’s an internal process, it’s a matter of the heart and it is a process that cannot be forced.

Here are some thoughts about forgiveness for you to ponder: (adapted from Lewis Smedes in his book Forgive and Forget)

• The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past that it cannot change

• We do our forgiving alone inside our hearts and minds, and by so doing we heal ourselves and free ourselves to move on

• The first person to benefit from forgiving is the one who forgives

• Forgiveness is a journey: the deeper the wound, the longer the journey

• Forgiveness does not require us to reunite with the person we are forgiving

• Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surrender our future to the person who wronged us

• Forgivers are not doormats; to forgive a person is not a signal that we are willing to continue to tolerate their abuse

• When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner we set free is ourselves

The Choking Game is not a playful activity but a dangerous way some of America’s young people are using to experience temporary euphoria.

I learned about the seriousness of this problem at a presentation given by Scott Metheny, a Pennsylvania police officer who is on a mission to bring awareness to parents and kids about an activity that appears harmless but can have deadly consequences.

The goal of the game is to decrease oxygen to your brain, and then experience a momentary high as you regain consciousness. There are all kinds of techniques to accomplish this goal, such as by hyperventilation or tying a rope around your neck to restrict blood flow. In exchange for a few moments of exhilaration, kids are risking brain damage or death. Experts are now questioning whether deaths previously ruled as suicides were actually due to this game.

I was a bit uncertain about the extent of this problem until I began asking young people, including my own 13-yearold daughter, about whether they ever heard of this activity. In my totally unscientific poll, I was rather surprised that about two-thirds of the kids I spoke with had knowledge about this activity. In a recent study of 5,400 Oregon eighth-graders, 6.1 pecent admitted to playing this game, with almost twothirds of those doing this more than once. A study conducted

Take a look at the GASP (Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play) website at www.gaspinfo.com. Be particularly mindful of the following symptoms that may be indicative of your child’s playing this game: marks on the neck, severe headaches or belts or ties in unusual places in the bedroom.

Talk with your child. I’m embarrassed to admit that my own daughter, like many other kids, learned about this activity from YouTube. Please don’t tell me that you are afraid that you’ll be giving your kids ideas if you discuss this with them. The choice is simple: Either you speak with them or you allow an electronic stranger from YouTube to have that conversation.

There is no safe way to play this game. It is more dangerous than many drugs, with brain damage and death both possible consequences.