He’s going on a months-long diet to help wife’s figure

Even though I’m pretty sure the numbers barely had made it into triple digits when my wife stepped off the bathroom scale the other day, she repeated her annual spring lament:

“I’ve got to lose five pounds.”

They were the words I had been dreading ever since the end of winter, because I knew what they meant. They meant everyone in the house would be going on a diet, including the dog.

I can understand her concern about losing weight this time of year. Bulky sweaters and baggy sweatpants can cover up a multitude of avoirdupois, but skimpy summer wear exposes the truth. What I can’t understand is what my weight has to do with how she looks in a bathing suit.

All I know for sure is that I’m going to be hearing about “eating healthy” from now until Labor Day. Any foods that don’t taste like cardboard will be banished from the pantry and refrigerator. For the next three months, the house will reek of fat-free yogurt, noisy granola and raw vegetables.

It will do me no good to point out that my doctor didn’t say anything about me having to lose weight when I had my annual physical a few months ago.

“Maybe not,” she’ll concede, “but your stomach’s not getting any smaller.”

“I weigh the same today that I did 10 years ago,” I’ll counter. “Yeah, but you’re shorter than you were 10 years ago.”

Which is an inconvenient truth. For most of my life I was an even 6-feet tall, but with each successive annual checkup I lose a quarter inch or so. At the rate I’m shrinking, by the time I’m 80 I may be too short to be allowed on some amusement park rides.

It’s not as if I haven’t taken steps to slenderize.

Several years ago, for instance, I clearly indicated my commitment to achieving a better body by switching to light beer. That didn’t seem to make much difference, although it’s hard to prove a negative. If I’d stayed with real beer, by now the bottom of my stomach might be brushing against the tops of my knees.

Three years ago I started working out at the gym. But apparently even spending two hours a day exercising doesn’t make your stomach get any smaller if you spend three hours a day eating.

So, to keep my wife looking good in a bathing suit, I’m just going to have eat less, count calories and exercise more.

And pray for an early winter.