Unexpected benefits of living through tough times

A man in his late 30s stopped by my office unexpectedly and asked me the most terrifying question you can ask a child psychologist, “Do you remember me?”

I looked at his face and quickly tried to imagine what he looked like as a child. He finally gave me his name, and I remembered him immediately. As a young boy, he had a horrendous childhood, growing up in multiple foster homes. However, he came by to tell me how well he was doing, both professionally and personally.

I fear he is an exception. Adverse childhood experiences resonate throughout a person’s life, placing kids at risk for a variety of physical and mental problems. Hundreds of studies conducted over the past 40 years have come to the same conclusions. Bad childhoods have long-term effects.

While we’ve extensively studied the negative impact of early childhood stress, might those same bad events have some positive consequences? I’ve just read a fascinating article by Megan Hustad in Psychology Today on the “Surprising Benefits for Those Who Had Tough Childhoods.” Hustad argues that there are an increasing number of studies that have discovered that bad times have positive effects on some kids.

Youngsters experiencing significant childhood stress may exhibit improved problem solving, resiliency and greater cognitive flexibility. Forced by circumstances to deal with chaos, pain, and instability, some kids acquire valuable skills that serve them well throughout their adulthood.

No one is suggesting that we should raise kids in bad environments, but parents caring for kids in good homes can learn from this research.

1. Allow your kids to feel pain and distress.

I realize this goes against every parental instinct, but kids need to learn how to deal with feeling uncomfortable. This should occur at an early age, with parents viewing themselves more as coaches and teachers rather than protectors. If you allow your child to deal with low levels of stress at an early age, they are more equipped to deal with the tougher realities of their adolescent and adult years.

2. Teach problemsolving. It feels good to resolve a child’s dispute with a teacher, playmate or coach. We take care of the issue, and our child looks up to us but learns little about life.

Bad things happen, some minor while others are catastrophic. Most of these events can’t be avoided. Doesn’t it make more sense to teach our kids how to manage these tough times rather than intervening to make their lives comfortable?

Take a look at the Hustad article. I hope it reassures you that intervening less today will better prepare your kids for tomorrow.

Next week: Caution! Grandparents may be a serious danger to your child’s health!

Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.

Dear Readers: I have what I call the KISS rule: Keep It Simple and Sweet. Be ready to handle whatever comes your way. Have extra food and cleaning supplies on hand. And try to keep a sense of humor to get you through.

Planning ahead

Let’s admit it; December is the month of parties, events and family celebrations. To help make these gatherings go more easily, use these hints as a quick guideline.

■ Make plenty of lists for each event. Use your computer to create a master list that you can alter for every gathering.

■ Clean up as you cook so you don’t have a giant mess later.

■ Ask a family member or friend to be your helper in the kitchen.

Heloise holiday countdown

■ Make a guest list, plan the menu and note if guests are bringing dishes.

■ Make a shopping list, including cleaning supplies,