What’s dangerous about advising the Golden Rule

The Golden Rule advising that you should behave towards others as you’d like to be treated seems reasonable — but in fact, represents a dangerous and wrong way of thinking about the world.

Lee Ross and his social psychology colleagues have called this blunder in thinking “naive realism.” Avoiding this error will make you a better parent and person.

The Golden Rule assumes everyone thinks, feels and behaves as you do. Naive realism reflects our tendency to think that our perceptions of the world are accurate and unbiased. If others think or feel otherwise, they are either ill-informed or prejudiced. If I was raised in a home with little praise and affection and turned out fine, I’m inclined to assume that approach would be best for everyone because it worked with me.

Naive realism is a powerful psychological blunder that affects our daily behavior. We tend to think that others are like us. We fail to realize that our view of the world is influenced by our values, feelings and previous experiences.

Here’s how this naive realism plays itself out in my office.

1. Kids with problems in social interactions. Children, particularly preteens, have a difficult time recognizing the diversity of thoughts and feelings. Kids who are bullies or have few friends are particularly susceptible to this thinking disorder. One preteen boy told me he routinely ridiculed a student because the boy wore clothes that “no normal kid should wear.”

I do lots of role-playing in my office. This exercise is excruciatingly difficult for children. Many cannot imagine that others may feel and think in different ways.

2. Parents and teens.

If you want to be a better parent, recognize and fight against the error of naive realism with your teenager. Your young adult experiences the world in very different ways than you do. Your dismissive and sanctimonious attitude that such thinking is immature, illogical, biased, and unrealistic prevents you from understanding your child. Recognize that you (and your child) bring certain biases into any interaction that affect your communication.

In family sessions, I use a very simple technique. You can’t express your point of view until you can accurately summarize the thoughts and feelings of the other person.

Believing something doesn’t make it true. Our kids can be frustrating in their misperceptions, hasty judgments, and unrealistic expectations. It’s important for us to help kids recognize those errors, but we first must demonstrate an understanding of their viewpoint.

Maybe the Golden Rule needs to be updated in light of years of psychological research. Let’s behave towards others in a way that is compassionate and empowering, rather than simply reflects our biased perceptions.

Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.

Dear Readers: When we cook, the smells can be wonderfully good or awfully bad. So here are some hints to help you control the really stinky odors in the kitchen:

■ When you fry, boil or saute foods that have a distinct odor, such as fish, cabbage or broccoli, set a small bowl of household vinegar on the counter next to the stove to help absorb smells.

■ When food bubbles over in the oven, which it always seems to do, sprinkle salt over the burned mess to eliminate the smoky odor and then clean it up when the oven has cooled.

■ When food splatters in the microwave, fill a microwave-safe bowl with 2 tablespoons of baking soda and 1 cup of water. Turn the microwave on high for 2-3 minutes. Wipe off the walls and rotating tray.

■ When the refrigerator smells, toss outdated items. Wipe down the inside walls