Book offers road map for raising tough kids
Most books on parenting offer essentially the same advice. Maintain a delicate balance between parental warmth and predictable discipline. Be consistent, enforce consequences and be engaged, affectionate and loving. Encourage the open expression of thoughts and feelings while being a superb role model. Teach self-control.
These guidelines are not enough. We’ve got to figure out a way to raise emotionally tough kids. Scientists use words like “resiliency” or perhaps “grit,” but those vanilla expressions don’t capture an essential characteristic of happy and successful adults. They are tough and able to confront and deal with life’s demanding and stressful times.
Instead of reading yet another book on parenting, take a look at “Resilience: The science of mastering life’s greatest challenges” by Southwick and Charney. Based on over 20 years of research, these authors describe 10 skills for managing pain and disappointment. They offer a road map for raising tough kids.
Two suggestions seem particularly relevant to our children. The first focuses on optimism, thinking about the world realistically, but having confidence that you can influence any situation. There is nothing naive or simplistic about this approach. Thinking positively won’t cure a parent dying of cancer or guarantee you’ll get a particular job. However, it will help you deal with difficulties without being devastated by life’s rough times.
Optimism contributes to being emotionally tough by giving you a sense of empowerment in that we need not view ourselves as helpless victims. Life’s experiences give us the gifts of learning, but we have to be receptive to understand and act upon them. Perhaps I didn’t get the job I wanted, but what did I learn from that experience? Weak people whine. Tough people learn and move on.
This skill is badly needed by our kids, who are too often looking to end their lives or chemically alter their moods because something unpleasant or even traumatic happened to them. It’s difficult to talk to kids who tried to commit suicide and understand the triggers that prompted such actions. If they can’t deal with the breakup of a boyfriend or a poor grade in school, how will they deal with life?
A second suggestion offered in this book focused on developing a variety of ways to cope with tough times. Prepare yourself for frustration and pain by anticipating how you’ll manage those situations before they occur. Don’t complain about the wind. Learn how to adjust your sails.
Other attributes of successful and emotionally tough people include confronting one’s fears, developing social support, being physically fit, and having a purpose to your life.
This book offers great guidance for overprotective parents, who are inadvertently raising a generation of vulnerable victims rather than emotionally tough and happy adults.
Next week: Trust busters.
Dr. Ramey is the executive director of Dayton Children's Hospital's Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources and can be contacted at Rameyg@childrensdayton. org.