After 8 decades, roller derby is on a roll again

If ESPN is looking for a sport to fill the time slots between cornhole and poker, perhaps it should pay more attention to roller derby. Because a sport that was born in the ‘30s, grew to maturity in the ‘50s and had a middle-aged moment in the ‘70s is now “in the throes of its third renaissance,” according to The New York Times.

Thousands of blockers and jammers reportedly are skating counterclockwise on tracks all over the world. There are hundreds of leagues in countries on every continent except Antarctica, which is populated mostly by penguins. Which is a shame. What could be cuter than roller-skating penguins? (Locally, roller derby is featured at the Orbit Fun Center in Huber Heights and the teams have really colorful names, such as Purple Reign, Lavender Haze and Violet Femmes).

Part of roller derby’s latest appeal is that, like soccer, it can be played equally by men and women.

“Feminism is in the DNA of the sport,” an authority on roller derby history declared in The Times article. “And having a space that centers female and gender-expansive aggression is really important.”

In the ‘50s, my mother and I watched roller derby faithfully; at least until I became way too cool to watch television with my parents. But I don’t think it had anything to do with gender-expansive aggression, even if we had known what that meant. It was mostly because we didn’t have a lot of options in those three-network times.

That probably explains why we also watched Polka Varieties, which featured middle-aged couples dancing to accordion-based tunes, such as “The Too Fat” polka, with its memorable refrain, “I don’t want her, you can have her, she’s too fat for me.”

My memories of roller derby are a bit blurry, much like the picture on our rabbit-eared 12-inch Zenith set. But I clearly remember scenes of skaters fighting their way through jams while opponents drove vicious elbows into their sides to send them flipping flamboyantly over guard rails. And names such as Joan Weston, Ann Calvello and Charlie Robinson became every bit as important to me as Bob Feller, Larry Doby and Al Rosen.

During its brief revival in the ‘70s, I saw roller derby live when it rolled into town at Hara Arena. I was disappointed to see that those vicious elbows that sent opponents flipping flamboyantly over guard rails appeared to be an inch or two short of making actual contact. So I came away with the suspicion that the sport at that point actually was the illegitimate cousin of big time wrestling.

Still, it’s fun to watch. And if ESPN brings roller derby back into prominence, who knows? Perhaps MTV will resurrect Polka Varieties, which definitely would get lots of reaction. Especially if they aired the “The Too Fat Polka.”