Bride tries to keep costs and hurt feelings down
Dear Abby: I have an awkward wedding conundrum I hope you can help me with. I am getting married in April and want to invite two co-workers with whom I am very close. One of them is married; the other, “Sara,” is in the process of divorcing her husband. Sara was unhappy for years with her almost ex-husband, and we witnessed the deterioration of their marriage over several years.
About a year ago, while still married, Sara began an affair. She’s still “seeing” this man — sneaking out, meeting him on his lunch break, going to motels — while she goes through the divorce process. She considers them to have been a couple for the past year.
I’m keeping a very tight grip on my guest list to control the costs. I don’t want to pass judgment on Sara, but I don’t think her situation at present qualifies as a true, committed relationship, which is the parameter I set when deciding who gets to bring a plus-one. I also don’t want my wedding to be the event where she “debuts” her new man.
I know she will feel slighted because in her mind he’s her boyfriend, and they are a couple. I have met him only once, but because they have been so secretive, he’s a complete stranger to me. Sara may resent that I invited our other co-worker’s husband and not her “boyfriend.” Is there a way I can handle this tactfully? — Bewildered Bride
Dear Bewildered: If you invite one close co-worker’s significant other and exclude the other, there are guaranteed to be hurt feelings. If you explain that you don’t feel she is in a committed relationship (after a year!), you will get yourself deeper into hot water because she will be insulted. Believe me, if you do what you are considering, it’s going to cost you far more than the price of two dinners.
Dear Abby: I’m a 67-year-old woman. I’ve been single all my life but now wish I could find a companion to share my later years with. My problem is, I’m not interested in a sexual relationship. I have never been good at the physical part of intimacy. As a result, I’ve had limited experience and not much luck with men. When I was younger, I had a reasonably healthy sexual appetite, but couldn’t seem to do “the act” right, although I enjoyed the prelude.
My idea of a relationship now would be with a kind, supportive man who likes to dance and enjoy life, but who’s OK with no sex. Is this a reasonable expectation at my age, or should I just give it all up? I don’t even know how I’d go about finding such a partner without fearing I’d have to prove myself and experience more loss.
Incidentally, I had counseling years ago about other issues, and the strong possibility arose about childhood sexual abuse, but it was vague and not resolved. — Wanting This But Not That
Dear Wanting: I can’t guarantee that you will find a partner, but there is a website for asexual people that offers a lot of information as well as a way to connect with the rest of the “ace” (short for “asexual”) community. Its members call it AVEN, which stands for Asexual Visibility and Education Network. It can be found at asexuality.org.
Dear Abby
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.