First date is not the time for divorce talk
It’s no secret that dating has its challenges. Add a divorce to the mix, and it can often feel even more difficult. Whether you’ve been divorced for a month or a year, it was amicable or hostile, you’re relieved or heartbroken, that first date back out there is a hurdle to get over. Do you mention it? Do you hide it? Do you talk about what went wrong? Do you share how long ago you got divorced or how long you were married?
Someone recently asked me, “Is there a best way to bring up a recent divorce? I like to be transparent, but it doesn’t often go well.”
I did not ask any further questions of this person to find out what makes it a unique story because my first reaction was to say, “This is definitely not first date conversation.”
All too often, people want to share their war stories on a first date, talking about their “crazy” exes or messy divorces, where everything from custody of the kids to ownership of the ice cream maker was contentious.
The purpose of a first date is to find out if you have rapport and chemistry with this new person, not to engage in bonding over a shared trauma. Focus on who you are today and show the new and improved you, not the trials and tribulations that got you there. You can share all this when you’re comfortable with the other person, of course.
I went on to answer the question:
“When you do share, especially if early on, it’s all about how you frame things. If you frame it in a positive way, then the other person will see it that way. If you frame it negatively, that’s what the other person sees.
“For example (I continued): ‘My recent divorce taught me so much about both myself and what I’m looking for, and for that (even though it was excruciatingly hard), I am grateful.’
“Versus: ‘I know it looks really bad that I’ve only been divorced for a short period of time. I promise I’m ready. But I’m pretty embarrassed that it’s so recent.’ ”
Most things in life can be framed in the way you want them to be perceived. That’s why, given a data set, you can often fit the numbers to back up any theory you have. (Don’t tell my former stats professor I said that.)
In the end, I want someone to assess how they feel about you in the present, not based on your past. We all have a past, of course, and while that particular past shapes who we are, it doesn’t define who we are. I know for me personally, after any relationship ends, I take the necessary time to mourn it and reflect on both the good and the bad so that hopefully I’m a better partner to someone else in the future.
For all of these reasons, I recommend waiting until you’re ready and comfortable to share the details.