Beware of badmouthing your co-parent

Q. My son comes home from my co-parent’s home and tells me that they say bad things about me. My co-parent is aware of how damaging badmouthing can be, so I’m surprised by this. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Years ago, while standing in line at the supermarket, the woman behind me caught my eye. She had a little one in a car seat perched in the front of her shopping cart and a child of about 4 standing at her side.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this to you,” I said, “But you look exhausted.”

“Oh,” she said with a sigh. “It’s my ex. He drives me crazy, and I wish he would just move on.”

The 4-year-old started to cry. “Move on? You want my daddy to go away?”

She was difficult to console. It is for this reason, “No badmouthing,” is Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule #3.

Let’s analyze what happened here so you understand why I included this story as an example.

Most co-parents tell me they regard badmouthing as something that is planned with intent: calling their co-parent a name, or openly disapproving of something their co-parent did — on purpose and right in front of the children.

But badmouthing can be anything with a derogatory edge. From an exasperated comment similar to what this mother said to more obvious name-calling and commenting on their co-parent’s character. You may think your children are resilient and don’t pick up on it, but children are intuitive. To your child, that’s their other parent you are talking about, and even the slightest hint of negativity hurts.

Badmouthing comes in all shapes and sizes. It all hurts your children. Keep it up and eventually they will feel they must choose one parent over the other. Parents are often blindsided when this happens because they are unaware that the things they regard as “little nothings” hurt their children. But if you say derogatory things, even unknowingly, you are laying the groundwork for them to eventually choose one home over the other — and it probably won’t be yours.

Your observations may be true, but that sort of observation asks your child to choose; they are always weighing which parent is right and which is wrong.

Set the example at your own home. Don’t put down the other parent’s choices. That’s good ex-etiquette.