Why accepting differences is so important
Q: My girlfriend and I moved in together. We both have sons about the same age. They are nothing alike and it’s really difficult because she compares the boys all the time and it makes it very uncomfortable. For example, her son is very athletic, and mine is not. He prefers to draw, and she has said my son is “weird” because he doesn’t want to play soccer. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: I have found one of the most common reasons why many combined families don’t make it is that there is little acceptance of differences.
Most parents attempt to combine their families based on what they believe to be a conventional two-parent family mold where the children are brought up together from the beginning and have many of the same likes and dislikes. They have many of the same memories.
Bonus families are nothing like that. Their memories are created later. Their personalities are different. Their histories, what makes them tick, are different. Therefore, using a conventional family as your model just doesn’t work. It frustrates everyone. The kids don’t feel understood. They feel as if they can’t do anything right. The parents are frustrated because “Your kid doesn’t listen.” Or, “Your kid is so spoiled!” Or, “You know it’s a little weird that your kid doesn’t like soccer. What kid doesn’t like soccer?”
Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 3 is “Don’t badmouth.” Just as a child will personalize it when one of their parents badmouths the other, parents personalize it when their partner says something derogatory about their child. It can be something as simple as, “Don’t you think Justin needs a haircut? He’s looking a little shaggy.” And the parent is thinking, “Shaggy? You think my kid looks shaggy?!” The next time something comes up, the parent of the “shaggy” child will be sure to point it out. Now you’re cutting down each other’s children. Once that starts, the family breaks into factions.
That’s difficult to repair. The damage is very quickly done.
If bonus family members want to ensure bonus family success, each must learn to accept differences. That means you don’t make comments like, “Your kid is a little weird.” Instead, you support his artistic abilities. Instead of buying him soccer cleats, you have his art framed so it can be celebrated, just as you’d celebrate a soccer game.
Acceptance. That’s good ex-etiquette.