Friend ruminates on social snub

Dear Amy: I’m having a hard time letting go of being snubbed by a close friend of many years.

My friendship with “Shelley” included our spouses and children.

We’ve celebrated, laughed, shared meals, vacations, worries and mourned together.

Recently I learned from a mutual friend that we both were excluded from two major celebrations hosted by her family.

(Other members of my extended family and friend group were invited.)

Shelley recently saw me at a different social event, ran up to me and said: “Can you forgive me?” without naming the offense I was to forgive her for.

I said, “Yes,” but I’m hurt.

She didn’t acknowledge my comment, except to say that she’s had a lot on her mind. Then she sort of drifted off.

It was a bizarre interaction and the apology felt glib.

Ever since then she’s attempted to interact with me at social events, but I’ve been keeping my distance.

I don’t know if I should just move on and simply realize that we are not as close as I thought – or try to discuss it with her.

I appreciate it when you tell people to just get over themselves.

Should I just get over myself and stop acting like a middle-schooler?

– Snubbed in Seattle

Dear Snubbed: You are not acting like a middle-schooler.

You are feeling like a middleschooler.

Decoding this universal transference, I’ll explain it this way: When adults fall in love (no matter our age), we feel like a high-schooler.

When we are snubbed or excluded, we feel like a middle-schooler.

“Shelley” chose a crowded social event to pounce upon you and ask if you could forgive her. This is a genius middle-school move (also used by trained assassins in action movies) because it prevents you from reacting in front of a crowd.

But Shelley forgot something. She forgot to apologize.

Isn’t an apology supposed to precede a bid for forgiveness?

At this point, you should choose to react like an adult, and say to her a version of: “What’s going on with you? I am completely in the dark about why you have been excluding me. You’ve asked me to forgive you, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to forgive you for because you haven’t explained or apologized. I’d really like to clear the air.”

Once you’ve owned your completely legitimate feelings and used your words to describe your perspective, it will be much easier to let go and move on.