Love Write your storygives

Relationship coach Damona Hoffman guidance on how to cultivate a soul mate.

My husband

and

I just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary; people always ask if I knew he was my soul mate. This question makes me giggle. Approximately 70% of Americans believe in soul mates, the concept that there is one person out there who is perfectly matched with you, and you’re on a lifelong quest to find your predestined other half.

As a dating and relationship coach, I’m a lover of stories and a student of rom-coms. It’s my job to help people get to their happily ever after. The more we repeat stories, the more we believe them to be true. Yet sometimes our attachment to stories keeps us from reaching our full relationship potential.

The soul mate story comes from ancient Greek philosophy, so it’s definitely due for an update. In my coaching practice, I see that the idea of soul mates, while romantic, actually keeps those who are single from choosing their person and those in relationships from appreciating what’s right in front of them. In my experience, soul mates are not born — they’re made. My husband has grown to be my soul mate, but if I’d been looking for perfect alignment at the start, we may not have the wonderful relationship we’ve built together over time.

Rather than a perfection-driven, fixed mindset, adopt a growth mindset in love. A growth mindset is the belief that you’re ever-changing and learning. With each experience or challenge, you’re becoming a better version of yourself.

A growth mindset in love means that you and your partner are always evolving, both as a couple and individually. Your relationship can be a mirror to show you who you truly are: It reveals your strengths and exposes your weaknesses; it can help you learn how to communicate better and show up as your most authentic self.

The next time you’re questioning your soul mate story, try a journaling exercise. This practice is as old as the original soul mate story, and those same philosophers journaled and reviewed their days every evening before tucking into bed.

Alternatively, you could start with a simple gratitude journal. Taking stock of the things that make your life full and amplify your joy is an excellent way to look at your dating life or relationship from a place of abundance rather than focusing on what isn’t perfect.

Whether you’ve been together for a few months or 15 years like my husband and I, if you have a growth mindset in love, there will always be new discoveries to make and new stories to be written.

For more, listen to the Dates & Mates podcast

(datesandmates.com) and

follow @damonahoffman.