Survivor tries to cope with family

DEAR AMY >> Growing up my childhood was not horrible — just bad.

I have PTSD, dissociation and sleep paralysis because of things that happened during my childhood.

Whenever the subject of childhood is brought up, my parents say it was good.

If my siblings or I say otherwise it just starts a fight.

We were raised “Christian.” We went to church between three and seven days a week.

I hate church now and do not go.

Eight years ago, our grandmother died. She also attended this church.

I decided to go into the church building for her funeral (big mistake).

A few days later I started getting flashbacks of things that had happened to me as a child at that church.

My PTSD got worse, and I had bad dreams and night terrors.

My doctor put me on medication to suppress these nightmares. After seven years, my anxiety is finally at a tolerable stage.

I swore never to step foot inside the building again, but my family members pressure me.

I have tried to explain that if they die and their funeral is held there, I will NOT go.

I want to get them to understand (without a fight starting or someone's feelings getting hurt), but at the moment I am at a loss.

— Scarred in North Carolina

DEAR SCARRED >> Given the long-term symptoms you say you experience, I'd offer a gentle correction to your statement that your childhood was “not horrible.”

You are experiencing symptoms similar to those reported by soldiers returning from the battlefield. Your past seems “horrible” enough.

Your choice to get professional help is a great one, and I hope that you continue to discuss your experiences with a qualified therapist.

My advice to you continues along two tracks.

Although I wonder if it is best for you to be connected with your family, if you want to remain in touch, the best way to do this is to hold onto your decisions privately and learn how to deflect pressure. You can review strategies with your therapist.

If people have a problem with you staying away from church, you can truthfully respond that you've already explained your reasons, and those reasons have not changed.

My second piece of advice is that you should consider blowing the whistle on this toxic church community. If things that happened there were harmful, abusive or criminal, you might be helping yourself and other survivors.

However, you are obviously extremely vulnerable. Bringing your own experiences to light would expose you to more pressure and possible estrangement from your family, as well as other community members. Doing so could re-traumatize you.

This is an important decision, not to be taken lightly.

You might have success connecting with a support group for others who have been traumatized in faithbased communities.