Alcohol and babies don't mix

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I recently welcomed twins into our family.

His parents were able to visit with us a few weeks ago.

It was apparent that his father, who has struggled with various selfmedicating strategies for chronic pain, has continued down the road of alcoholism.

We did not anticipate how anxious we would be to have him in our house interacting with our babies. Nothing bad has happened, but we feel the need to do something, especially since they are interested in spending more time with us. What is an appropriate way to proceed?

— Anxious Mom

DEAR ANXIOUS >> Having two babies in your life will clarify all sorts of things for you. You should put their health and safety first and so you and your husband will have to do some basic risk-assessment and take it from there.

Your husband (and his siblings) should approach their father's drinking without attaching shame and harsh judgment. It is a fact of his life — it is real, it is happening and the consequences attached should be specific and proportionate.

State your own intentions simply: “Dad, we can't have you around the babies when you've been drinking.”

DEAR AMY >> My older brother and I are the last ones left of our immediate family. I'm gay and have had a tough time being close to him.

My brother and his wife are conservative and never ask me about my personal life. I feel like I'm the one doing the heavy lifting to stay in touch now that our mother is gone.

Last year his youngest son, my nephew “Rick,” had a wedding reception on the East Coast. (Both Rick and I live on the West Coast.)

I attended the wedding and had a fairly good time.

They had a second reception in a Southern state the following fall.

I traveled there for the weekend to show support.

We were supposed to have dinner the night I arrived but then they bailed at the last minute. (My sister-in-law never made room for my mother or me when my mother was alive, but I thought it was because she didn't like our mom.)

Every attempt I made to get together with them was canceled to accommodate her family and I was told that they didn't have time.

I'm so mad at my brother. I haven't talked to him since then.

I don't want to hold a grudge, but I don't know how to talk to him about this.

How do you think I should deal with this?

DEAR HURT >> Given that your relationship seems to have deteriorated to almost nothing, now is the time to state your own truth, plainly and without reservation.

“We are the only two left in our family. I would like to be closer. I've tried many different ways to do this, but you haven't been receptive. I'm wondering if you can try harder, in order for me to stop trying so hard. I'd be so sad to lose this connection with you.”