Establish boundaries with downer workmate
QMy colleague at work is a real downer. It's impossible to have a conversation with her without hearing about how the world is going to burn to a crisp in 20 years, how humans are essentially rotten to the core and how anyone who thinks otherwise is incredibly stupid. I can't avoid this woman because twice a week, we work alone in our small office. She's also my supervisor and 20 years my senior. I have tried bringing levity to conversations or steering away from dark topics, but she snorts with derision.
I am on medication for anxiety and find myself in a dark mood every time we work together. I have spent years in therapy and have a hopeful outlook on life and my role in trying to make the world a better place. I resent her implication that optimism is for the feebleminded. She responds poorly to boundaries and has a hair-trigger temper. How can I protect myself from her cynicism?
— Anonymous
A
You are in a delicate position, but you are still allowed to have boundaries. For whatever reason, this woman is mired in hopelessness. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Maybe it's poor social skills. Maybe it's depression. The next time she starts dragging you down the path of broken dreams, say that you've done a lot of work to develop a more positive outlook. Tell her that part of that work is avoiding conversations that won't allow for the possibility of hope and that you'd rather not continue the discussion. She may respond poorly, but you cannot spend this much of your work life listening to someone who affects your mood so much and you cannot suffer silently to avoid her lack of emotional self-control.
Won't fund thee Q
As an emergency specialist, I communicate with my co-workers 24/7 using WhatsApp.
Time-critical notifications such as unscheduled work absences are dealt with as soon as the sick staff member rings in.
However, our WhatsApp regularly morphs into a polarizing social forum. There are pleas for funds for birthdays, gossip about an abusive colleague who was not promoted to director after acting in that role and most recently a constantly complaining whiner bereaved of an elderly parent. I happen to not be enamored of the aforementioned group, due to interpersonal conflict.
The problem is, if I exit the conversation, I am easily identifiable as the person who leaves these chats. I would be viewed as the outsider who refuses to be the team player. But I do not want to be a hypocrite that transfers funds to work mates I do not like or respect. Your thoughts?
— Anonymous
AThe social pressure to contribute financially to various colleaguerelated enterprises can be intense. I'm all for collective efforts in support of community, but these fundraising requests assume quite a lot. Not everyone has the means or the inclination to contribute. If you don't want to be a hypocrite, don't. If you're asked why you've left the conversation, simply say, “I have nothing to contribute, financially or otherwise.” If you're feeling congenial, you might add something polite acknowledging the birthday or untimely passing. Your colleagues may notice that you leave the group chats about these fundraisers and they may judge your behavior, but you have every right to opt out. You just have to decide how much of their judgment you can tolerate.