Newcomer needs `third place'
DEAR AMY >> I moved to a semirural area for a public-facing job.
One way I am trying to meet people is by hosting small dinner gatherings where
I invite a group of people whom I think might make for interesting conversation. These people may or may not already know each other.
This almost never works out. I've had people ask if I will invite so-and-so. I've had people call me during dinner to say they would not be coming.
Once, I had an expectation of 11 people coming and ended up serving five.
Truth be told, in this new town and new position, I am lonely.
I want to get to know people better and this consistent weirdness (to me) has been frustrating and saddening.
Is this just how it goes in the country?
— Confused Host
DEAR CONFUSED >> I shared your question with Richard L. Kyte, Ph.D., director of the Ethics Institute at Viterbo University, whose new book, “Finding Your Third Place: Building Happier Communities (and Making Great Friends Along the Way)” comes out this spring (Fulcrum publishing).
He and I agree that instead of inviting strangers in, you should find a “third place” to go to.
Kyte reminds us: “Dinner parties are great ways to connect people who are looking for ways to broaden their social circle, but they may not be the best way to start out trying to make friends in a place where most people's social ties are already broad and deep.
“Try finding ways to meet people gradually through social gatherings that are already established in your community: coffee shops, taverns, places of worship, service organizations. Let people get to know you in settings where they are comfortable, instead of asking them to meet you on your turf.
This is why “third places” (which are neither home nor work) are so important for meeting people and making friends. They serve as neutral ground where people aren't burdened by the obligations of guest or host.”
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