How to talk with kids about RACISM
In these tumultuous times, the conversation about race is increasingly important, especially for parents who should be having direct conversations with their kids.
“The current climate in our country is pushing for these conversations to be had. Because of what’s happening right now there’s an opportunity to have explicit conversations about race and racism,” said Natalia Ortiz, training director at Border Crossers, an organization with headquarters in New York City and Dallas, Texas, that provides training for educators, parents and communities on how to talk about race and racism with children. “All people are impacted by racism, even white people. White people benefit from racism,” Ortiz said.
For people of color, the conversation about race often starts early out of necessity, but white families may not be having the same conversations, said Dr. Cynthia Fabrizio Pelak, assistant professor of sociology at New Mexico State University. “Parents of black and brown kids don’t need to be told by experts that they need to have conversations with their kids about racism. This is because their child’s very life and body is where the racism lands in our society,” said Pelak, who is an expert in the areas of race and racism, gender and sexism, and social change through sports. Imagery of racism is impossible to ignore in the age of social media. Kids have most likely seen images of white nationalists marching in Charlottesville, Virginia, and NFL players taking a knee for racial equality and justice on television or their phones. These events need to be talked about before children encounter them on their own.
“Kids will pick up conversations, media coverage, and all the emotions that adults and other children express,” Pelak said. “We are in an extraordinary moment in which our social norms of respectable discourse and nonviolent communication between individuals are currently being challenged. We are also in a political moment in which race and racism are being used to gain and maintain political power and control.”
Never too early
Raising color-blind kids may seem like a good idea, but it’s really not possible.
“From a very young age children notice race. Studies show children as young as 2, 3 or 4 are not color-blind,” Ortiz said.
There’s nothing wrong with observing differences, especially for young children who may describe a new classmate as having a black or brown face, Ortiz said.
“It’s not racism if they’re simply observing skin color,” she said.
When your young child makes a racial observation, acknowledge what they’ve said, place value on what they’re saying, and ask follow-up questions.
You can say, “That’s an important question or observation, I’m so glad you shared that with me.” Then ask follow-up questions like, “Why do you say that?” and encourage future conversations, Ortiz said.
Race is inherently taught
“In terms of racial differences, things can be more complicated because we live in highly racially segregated neighborhoods and go to racially segregated schools. Kids will not ‘see’ race unless we teach them, and we will teach them about race difference without even realizing,” Pelak said. “Judging when a child is ready for a hard conversation about any issue may start when your child asks you about that issue.”
Talking about race and racism is difficult and fraught with emotion. At Border Crossers training, the goal is to strive for a “brave space” rather than a “safe space.”
“Transformation happens when you’re in a yellow zone. When you’re uncomfortable or uneasy, that’s when you learn something,” Ortiz said.
Inquiry can help keep the conversation going, even if a parent doesn’t have the answers. It’s OK to say “‘Let’s look for the answers together.’ Or, ‘I’ve got to do my homework on that and get back to you,’” Ortiz said.
Rather than having all the answers before talking with their kids, Pelak suggests that “parents become more comfortable and knowledgeable about the difficult hot-button issues so that they can model respectful dialoguing and healthy coping behavior.”
Make it personal
Some parents are concerned that talking about race will radicalize kids, but not talking about race actually allows stereotypes and generalizations to go unchecked, Ortiz said.
Pelak agrees: “One problem facing white parents is that we have been taught to not talk about race and racism. Thus we white folks need to start talking about race and racism, particular white supremacy and the idea that so-called white people should be in authority/power.”
Another strategy to get kids talking about race is to bring up a time when the parent experienced or felt uncomfortable about racism, Ortiz said. How did you handle it? What did you say? Would you handle it differently now?
“Parents need to continue to learn and question what is the right approach,” Ortiz said.
Depending on the age of one’s kids, another idea is “to start a family project of learning more about the contributions of African-Americans and other people of color (depending on which region of the country one lives) to our communities and nation. Visiting a local or national museum/civil-rights centers in person or online might be a good place to start,” Pelak said.
Be honest
Young children especially shouldn’t have their words shut down. Instead of saying, “That’s not something we talk about,” try to get more information, Ortiz said: “That’s an interesting comment. Why did you say that?”
When talking about history — for example, Columbus sailing to America — be honest with your kids, Ortiz said. Did Columbus really “discover” America? What really happened to the Native Americans who were already here?
“If you don’t talk about history truthfully, then your kids may think (institutionalized racism) is the fault of the black or brown people,” Ortiz said.
“When we are dishonest with our kids they will know. Children might not be able to verbally express themselves but they generally know more than we think they know,” Pelak said.
If you don’t know something or don’t understand something, tell your child you are trying to figure it out yourself. Ask them what they think.
“Questions that allow them to explore their thoughts and feelings will be more productive than trying to cover up a problem,” Pelak said.
“It’s better for children to see parents trying to figure something out,” Ortiz said. It’s great to revisit a conversation after you’ve learned something new — even better if you checked something out and found a better answer, she said.
Take action
Talk to children about what it really means to be anti-racist. Teach them to stand up and say something when they encounter racism, and model the same behavior as a parent, Ortiz said.
“Think critically all the time,” she said. When you’re toy shopping, notice whether all the dolls have white faces or if all skin tones are represented, for example.
Parents who enjoy privilege or shelter based on their whiteness must remember that there is a long legacy of racism in the country, Pelak said.
“It is not a matter of being racist or not racist as individuals. In our society, we all learn to do racism. The challenge is to understand those lessons that have been imposed on us and not teach those lessons to the next generation,” Pelak said.
Rather than dreading conversations about race, view them as opportunities for empowerment and growth.
“Life is a journey of learning,” Pelak said. “This might be a moment for all of us, particularly white folks in the U.S., to collectively challenge ourselves to face our fears and embrace learning. We are all in this together.”