No Os­car Host? No Prob­lem!

El Dorado News-Times - - Viewpoint - PETER FUNT

It seems this year's Academy Awards will be con­ducted us­ing a no-host for­mat, now that Kevin Hart and his dossier of ho­mo­pho­bic wise­cracks have been of­fi­cially ruled out.

This might be a good thing, start­ing with the fact that a no-host cer­e­mony will be mer­ci­fully shorter.

Pre­vi­ous Os­car shows have dragged on well be­yond a rea­son­able bed­time - like a Mon­day

Night Foot­ball game with 39 penal­ties,

54 com­mer­cials and over­time.

Nom­i­na­tions will be an­nounced Jan. 22 and the Academy should use the oc­ca­sion to con­firm not only the no-host pol­icy but also these ad­di­tional no-nos.

No Pol­i­tics. In­sist that pre­sen­ters and win­ners avoid all po­lit­i­cal ref­er­ences. If they men­tion Trump don't play mu­sic, just cut their mics and move on.

No Notes. Win­ners should not be al­lowed to feign sur­prise while pulling out a lengthy writ­ten list of peo­ple to thank. You're a Hol­ly­wood pro­fes­sional for good­ness sake! If you can't adlib a few thanky­ous maybe moviemak­ing isn't the right job for you.

No Shar­ing. We get it: the losers in your cat­e­gory all did good work - after all, they were nom­i­nated for an Os­car. But don't pre­tend you'd like to "share" your award with them.

No Fam­i­lies. Leave your par­ents, your wife and your kids out of it. Above all, don't use one of the big­gest show­biz events of the year to tell Johnny and Suzie that "it's ok to go to bed now."

No Sob­bing. Sure, you're over­whelmed. Get a grip.

No Plugs. This is not the time to tell us about your next project, or that you just signed a first­look deal with Net­flix.

No Gim­micks. The Golden Globes set a record for asinin­ity by pre­tend­ing to give flu shots to celebs in the au­di­ence. Spare us the sopho­moric hu­mor, please.

No Teases. Skip the an­nouncer pitches for what's com­ing next; we all know we have to wait three hours for the big awards. And don't say, "Only ABC!" be­fore each of the three dozen com­mer­cial breaks.

With these mi­nor ad­just­ments the 2019 Os­cars could be re­ally boffo.

Re­mem­ber, the Academy has al­ready wised up by back­ing away from its id­i­otic plan to award a "Most Pop­u­lar" Os­car.

We should all get to sleep at a rea­son­able hour Feb. 24, ex­cept of course for the win­ners and near-win­ners who will ca­vort long into the night at Hol­ly­wood's many After-Os­car par­ties, where the only change that would not be tol­er­ated is a No-Host bar.

Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. His book, "Cau­tiously Op­ti­mistic," is avail­able at Ama­zon. com and Can­didCam­ © 2019 Peter Funt. Col­umns dis­trib­uted ex­clu­sively by Ca­gle Car­toons, Inc., news­pa­per syn­di­cate.

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