My ‘funnies’ file
I told you I planned to write a follow-up to my column concerning mis-speaks and self-embarrassments. I received quite a few suggestions from readers in different cities where my column appears. However, I had to discard many of them because of length, word choice
(too “blue” for a family newspaper) or the situation itself (too graphic or
“racy”) for the same reason. They were funny — I want you to know that — but editors have to be careful in what they print.
This led me to search for an old folder which I finally located yesterday. It contained cartoons, brief jokes and one-liners I had jotted down on napkins, envelopes and torn sheets of paper that have since yellowed with time.
I had saved these to use at speaking engagements to illustrate a certain point, but the pandemic has cancelled these for the time being. I tossed many of them, setting aside only the ones that still brought a big grin to my face.
So instead of working them into a speech, I am throwing them out to you in a big heap inside today’s column.
Ready? Let’s go!
• A cartoon with the caption “The last words of a do-it-yourselfer” depicts a graveside service with minister and family standing beside a grave. The tombstone (already in place) reads, “TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.”
• A cartoon depicting a barren desert with only a few cacti in the far distance and a sign with a huge “X” in the forefront that reads: “You are here… because your husband refuses to ask for directions.” (This was a very old clipping: pre-GPS)
• A bumper sticker: “Have a nice eternity.”
• Another bumper sticker: “Stupidity isn’t a handicap; park somewhere else.”
Useless product instructions, or in other words, “DUH!” including:
• On a bottle of liquid soap from that expensive bath boutique: “Use like any other soap.”
• On a hotel shower cap: “Fits one head.”
• On a package of sleeping pills: “May cause drowsiness.”
• On another box of sleeping pills: “Do not use while taking a laxative.”
• On a string of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
• On a frozen dinner: “Product will be hot after heating.”
• And, best of all, this warning appearing on an iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
One-liners really are fun!!!
“What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?”
“A friend who is 50 years old tells people she is 60 because she looks good for 60 but awful for 50.”
“Did you ever stop to think… and then forgot to start up again?”
“Veni, Vidi, Visa” Translation: “I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.”
“If we are what we eat, then I am easy, fast and cheap.”
There are many women like me who talk about cosmetic surgery, but our philosophy prevails: “No guts — live with the ruts.”
“A telephone greeting I hope I never hear: ‘Thank you for calling Incontinence Hotline: Can you hold please?’”
And along that same line… “Do old men wear boxers or briefs?” DEPENDS.
“How do you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can sometimes reason with a terrorist.”
Now, a few favorite jokes I jotted down and saved:
An old woman noticed a new man in the nursing home lobby and went up to introduce herself, “My,” she said, “you remind me of my fourth husband!” She saw him later in the cafeteria and said, “My, but you DO remind me of my fourth husband!”
The following day she approached him near the spa, “I can’t get over how much you remind me of my fourth husband!” This time he could stand it no longer and asked, ”Well, Ma’am, how many times have you been married?” She smiled coyly and answered, “Three.”
The pastor of a large church in Little Rock picked up a hitchhiker one day. As they drove along, the pastor noticed that his passenger was looking at him closely. The man finally blurted out, ”Where in hell have I seen you before?” Never missing a beat, the pastor asked, “Well, what part of hell are you from?”
The little girl was having a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. In an attempt to help, her father got out the wedding album and explained the ceremony to her. ”Oh, I see,” the little girl said, “That’s when Mommy came to work for us.”
What did the baby porcupine say when, late at night, he bumped into the cactus? “Zat you, Mamma?”
“Fun Things to Do on an Elevator:” Crack open your purse or briefcase and, while peering inside, ask, “You got enough air in there?” When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the elevator doors open and then act embarrassed when they open automatically.
And lastly, rejected greeting card verses, like:
Personal apology: “My tire was thumping; I thought it was flat; When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry.”
Anniversary: “I was incomplete before we were married; now I am finished.”
Most of these I either saw, overheard or read in newspapers and were penned by others. A few are my own and, if you know me well, you can probably guess which ones are mine.