COVID-19 scamdemic

Are you dead? Probably not. You’re reading this column.

Am I dead? Well, not right now. I’m writing. Of course, by the time you read this, I could be the star of an underattended $2,500 wake and funeral held at the funeral home that provided a similar bargain burial for my late mother. Ten years before she died, my mother and I had the only discussion we ever had about her, uh, “arrangements.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t care what you do with me, and don’t spend a nickel more than you have to,” my mother told me.

Yeah. Ma’s dead and cheaply buried. The point of the story is that my mother died pre-COVID, and you and I are still alive, so COVID was a scam all along.

America has lost more people to COVID than we lost in the Second World War, but we’re still nattering on about Iwo Jima and the “band of brothers,” and we’re still playing Taps at the World War II memorial once or twice a year.

Meanwhile, if you die from COVID, they’ll stick you in a hole the way you bury your garbage on a camping trip.

This is because people who die in wars die in clean, noble combat whose purpose is easy to understand. They’re heroes.

If you die from COVID, you’re not a hero. You’re a dope. You are, by God, dying from something that doesn’t exist. You believed the government propaganda so much that you died of an imaginary disease. You, Sir, are a sheep, and probably a Communist.

The COVID pandemic is over. No more masks. No more closed restaurants. If you die from a disease that isn’t even here anymore, then you really bought the “narrative.”

In fact, there’s some evidence (I made it up) that people deliberately died of COVID in order to advance the gay agenda of gun confiscation that took Jesus out of our schools. Statistics (I made them up) say that drag queens never get COVID because the Trilateral Commission wants them to stay alive and keep reading to children down at the local library so that pretty soon, little Shane won’t want a BB gun for Christmas. Instead, he’ll want a tube of mascara.

Meanwhile, my father, a World War II combat veteran, died in 1987, decades before anyone even heard of COVID. That’s interesting, isn’t it? It’s almost like they wanted him to die when he did, like they were trying to cover something up.

The singular beauty of the American people is that we can ignore anything out of existence. There is no war in Ukraine because that war exceeded our three-week attention span, and anyway, the war isn’t being fought with light sabers, so what’s the point? There is no longer any discrimination against Black people. In fact, they “get everything they want” and have all the good sports jobs.

And so, even after we shoved a million or so bodies in a hole, even as people are still dying of COVID, not only is there no COVID, but there never was, not even a little. What happened was, people went into the hospital with broken legs, and they died from the broken legs, and the doctors wrote down “COVID.”

And there were, and are, some very cheap funerals and not always because Mom wanted it that way.

What can you expect if you die from nothing?