Miscarriage devastates expectant couple

DEAR AMY » My partner and I were so excited last year when we learned we were pregnant for the first time. We waited to tell our families until the very end of the first trimester. Then, right after we had informed everyone of the good news, I had a miscarriage.

Since then, I feel I’ve been struggling to move forward.

The fact that it happened during the pandemic while we already had been feeling isolated makes this loss feel harder to me, and losing the pregnancy just after sharing it with our families feels especially cruel.

I’m having a hard time going to work, staying in touch with friends, exercising, sometimes even getting out of bed in the morning.

My partner has been struggling with the loss in his own way and I am often finding myself feeling more distant from him than ever.

Do you have any advice about what I can do to bear up under this sadness?

— Feeling lost in

Cheyenne

DEAR FEELING LOST » I am so sorry you are going through this. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I can completely relate to your experience.

Some of what you are experiencing might be triggered by hormonal changes. Your body needs time to adjust to what you have been through. Contact your doctor, describe your depression and exhaustion, and ask for advice regarding possible treatments, including antidepressant medication. Ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

It is vital that you continue to take care of your body with good nutrition, light exercise, and sleep as you heal.

Ask your most supportive friend or family member to call you every day at 5 p.m. (or on whatever schedule works for both of you) for the next three weeks. Even if you don’t pick up the phone, knowing that someone is checking in will help.

You and your partner are bound to experience this loss differently, because the loss of a pregnancy has a physical, hormonal, and emotional component for the pregnant woman that her partner cannot experience in the same way.

Your partner is hurting, too and may be extremely worried about you, so he doesn’t want to burden you further by expressing his own feelings of loss. This makes both of you feel even more alone.

Take time every day to hold hands, make eye contact, and show deliberate compassion toward one another. Consider ways to memorialize this loss in a way that feels right for both of you.

There are many online support groups for families experiencing the loss of a child through miscarriage. Mymiscarriagematters.org offers oneon-one supportive mentoring with a volunteer, as well as daily “live chats” on their website and through a Facebook group. The organization has a separate group for men.