A family ponders inviting racist cousins to a wedding

DEAR AMY » I’m from a small family (I have one brother), and while growing up, my two cousins were like brothers to me — we always spent vacations, holidays, and family celebrations together.

Fast-forward 30 years and we aren’t as close as we used to be.

I relocated to the West Coast and my family is in the Midwest.

I see my parents and my brother often, but I haven’t seen my cousins since the pandemic began because we have differing opinions on vaccinations and social-distancing.

Our daughter is engaged, deeply in love, and very happy in an interracial relationship.

My spouse and I are quite fond of our future son-in-law and his family.

My dilemma is this: Both of my cousins have expressed racist views and used racial slurs in the past.

I do not trust that they will be supportive of our daughter’s marriage. I’m not comfortable with them attending her wedding.

Should I call them directly and address the issues outright? Should I quietly not invite them? Honestly, I love my cousins, but I don’t like them or their world views, and I don’t know what to do.

— Stressed in the West

DEAR STRESSED » If you aren’t comfortable being in proximity to these men for health or cultural reasons, then — follow your instincts.

But I’m leaning in favor of considering an invite for these two bozos, or at least opening it up for discussion — because if your daughter and her fiancé are hosting a family wedding, well, families are made up of all sorts of people, and sometimes these people are jerks, losers, and racists.

There are many variables to ponder here, however, including how awful your cousins really are, and how tolerant the bride, groom, and his family are willing or able to be.

Fortunately for you, this decision should be made by the marrying couple, so you can kick this in their direction.

I suggest that you be completely honest with them: “Bert and Ernie are the worst. They are racist fools. But they are my cousins. There — you have it.”

Your daughter and her fiancé may not have any interest in or feel any obligation toward these family members.

If the cousins don’t make the list and you are asked why, you can tell them the truth: “Your racist views knocked you off of the invite list.”

DEAR AMY » “Torn” described a long-ago sexual relationship with his sister-in-law, which started when he was 15.

I almost never agree with you because you obviously hate men, and so I have to admit that I was shocked and surprised at your compassionate response to Torn.

Yes, he was sexually exploited by an older woman. This was wrong, he is suffering, and you were right to recognize it.