Unlock your path to success

Struggling to break stubborn habits? Experts say the simple secret is cutting yourself some slack

Lose weight, eat healthier, spend less. If you’re anything like us, you set New Year’s resolutions like these, then feel crushed when willpower falters in the face of a fantastic Amazon Prime deal or a restaurant outing a few weeks later.

But the surprising key to banishing unwanted habits is to abandon willpower altogether, asserts psychologist Amy Johnson, Ph.D., author of The Little Book of Big Change. “Willpower is an exhaustible resource that requires effort,” she explains. “When you’re in the middle of an urge or craving, you’re already very taxed, so it’s the worst time to try to add more weight on your shoulders.”

According to Johnson, “Every habit starts as a well-meaning attempt to feel better in the moment.” So filling an online shopping cart with shoes isn’t a personal failure; it’s your brain trying to help you cope with the stress of a demanding day, using a method it knows has worked before. “When you clench down with blame and shame— Oh no, I’m doing it again, I need discipline—it creates more angst.”

Fortunately, the key to freeing yourself from this trap is simple: “When you’re kinder and more open, the negative thoughts and feelings driving the habit naturally settle down and disappear,” says Johnson. “It’s amazing how quickly the mind self-corrects and habits fall away.” How to respond in this kinder way the next time temptation strikes? Read on for the expert tips that work better than willpower!