IF YOU APOLOGIZE FOR NEEDS

JUST SAY ‘PLEASE’

After picking up takeout from your favorite restaurant, you ask the hostess, “I’m sorry, can I get some extra napkins?” Perfectionists often preface their requests with apologies to soften the “blow.” But these “sorrys” can have the opposite effect: Research shows when folks get an apology for something harmless, they often become confused, even anxious. Subconsciously, they think, Wait, I didn’t recognize an error—what did I miss? The resulting tension ends up dialing up stress for both of you.

When asking for a favor, simply swap out “sorry” for “please,” as in, “May I please have a few extra napkins?” This lets you show your kind nature without being needlessly self-negating. A wordless gesture can be just as effective, such as placing your hand over your heart when you present a slightly burned pie at dinner. “It playfully signals ‘I tried,’ allowing you to get past the moment easily,” says Heitler. Choosing not to apologize for minor missteps leads to greater self-esteem and increased feelings of control. It also ensures that sincere apologies hold more meaning. In short, when you stop apologizing for yourself, your life will open up in countless ways.