Do you always put you last?

You have a big heart, but overgiving can leave you drained. Here, experts share easy ways to create loving boundaries that let you express your needs and reap more joy every day

You’re exhausted after another busy day. So when a friend calls asking you to help her deliver a church donation, lugging boxes at the 11th hour is the last thing you want to do. Yet the weight of those boxes pales in comparison to the heaviness of saying no—just the thought of it weighs you down with guilt. The only “side effect” of your generous spirit is that it often means putting yourself last, leading to stress, self-blame and even burnout. Thankfully, creating loving boundaries doesn’t just protect you, it helps all your relationships flourish.

Far from limiting, boundaries give you the space to show yourself compassion. “They allow you to know yourself and allow others to know you,” says psychotherapist Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss. “This means understanding your desires and being able to communicate them easily.” Makes perfect sense. So why is it so hard? “Most women were raised to be self-abandoning,” she says. “We learned that being a ‘good girl’ means saying yes when we want to say no.”

Indeed, the biggest myth about boundaries is that they stem from selfishness. “They actually make you more openhearted because when you assert yourself with grace, love and kindness, you’re being your authentic self and there’s nothing more truly giving than this kind of honesty,” adds Cole. Read on for ways to free yourself to draw lines when you need to.

You made brunch plans with your sister, but as the minutes tick by, your table for two is a table of you…because she’s late yet again. Though you feel a twinge of resentment, you ignore it. It’s a common reaction, notes Cole, but resentment is also a cue to ask yourself, Do I need a boundary here?

To begin focusing on your needs, take a “resentment inventory,” urges Cole. “Where and when do you feel hurt or underappreciated?” Resentment is a vague emotion somewhere between dull disappointment and red-hot anger. That’s why writing concrete answers gives you muchneeded clarity. “Look over your inventory and pinpoint your preferences, desires and deal-breakers.” If, say, your sister’s chronic tardiness is more than just an idiosyncrasy you can live with, you might tell her, “I love spending time together, but I need you to be on time.” Or you could decide to say nothing at all right now—and that’s okay, assures Cole, who says that simply discovering where you may benefit from a boundary is the first step.