Generation Gap: Gay Men on Dating and Love
With online dating and same-sex marriage, have the realities of gay romance changed over the years? Have these altered realities changed the ways younger gay people approach love, or is love a consistent and universal truth that withstands the test of time?
In this new series, Generation Gap, I will ask three different people of similar identities but different generations their opinions on issues that impact them. I asked three gay men representing Generation Z, Millennials, and Generation X — Ethan Todd, 23; Daniel Martini, 32; and Helmut Domagalski, 45 — questions about hookup culture, online dating, and what love means to them to find an answer to the age-old question: are the generations really all that different?
Quotes have been edited for clarity. Read the full article online at thegavoice.com.
Do you have experience with online dating apps like Grindr? What is your opinion on online dating?
Gen Z: I find, honestly, that regardless of what you put in your bio, or what the other party has written in theirs, that online dating within the gay community is very centered on sex. I’ve talked to so many guys online who write in their bio that they are looking for love, something meaningful, or a relationship, but quite often, once you’ve moved beyond the app, the first conversation you have with them includes, “Sorry, I’m just so horny right now.” The issue is that if you can only manage to go on a first date with a very small percentage of the population, there is a low probability that you will be truly compatible with everyone you go out with.
Millennial: I’ve had a positive experience with online dating. I met my boyfriend of three years on an app. As far as the negatives go, I do not like how online dating has almost hindered people’s ability to have one-on-one contact and communication with each other. I don’t like frivolous conversations. I like depth and range, and that, in an online app, is missing — especially when you go to the more sexualized apps like Grindr or Scruff. Online dating can also be very dangerous. You could meet someone who is not who they say are, who could steal from you or be on drugs. As far as positives, however, I’ve met some great people that have changed my life for the better. I’ve learned lessons about what I’ll tolerate and not tolerate and how to be comfortable and confident in my own skin.
Gen X: YES, more than I wish I had. Coming out late and having a background of religious and sexual shame, I used these apps for what I thought was a lot of fun. But they also create a lot of challenges. Like all apps, they are addictive, but they offer a promise of intimacy and satisfaction and therefore leave you often far less satisfied than you had hoped. I think that gay men at my age are trapped with no really easy way to meet each other in a world where we are such a small percentage of the population. One can feel forced to look to apps as a means of participating in a search if you really do want connection, and not necessarily of the sexual kind.
How would you define “hookup culture” and what is your opinion on it?
Gen Z: Hookup culture in the gay community, to me, is the epitome of toxic masculinity and a lack of self-love in the individuals who partake in it. Often, those who are obsessed with hooking up with others are seeking to fill a lack of self-esteem in themselves, or to replace a sense of intimacy that comes with truly knowing someone and caring for them.
Millennial: Gay culture is hookup culture. [Hookup culture] hasn’t been around that long, so how it has completely morphed an entire generation’s thinking and approach to dating is quite fascinating to me, honestly. My boyfriend and I were together for three years and we were monogamous, and people would look at us like we were some kind of delicacy.
Gen X: I think there is nothing wrong with hookup culture per se, but I do think that gay men don’t realize what they are giving up by not working on themselves for a relationship. I think it’s not unique to gay life, but it is very much encouraged by our all-male chemistry and the lack of emotional intimacy characteristic of men.. The scariest reality of the gay experience is that there are concerning levels of sex and substance addictions that are also a major part of hookup culture.
How do you define love?
Gen Z: I define love as a commitment to bring peace and joy to your partner(s). To me, love is an agreement that you will care for the other person, as long as you are able to in a healthy manner. The bottom line is that you should always want what’s best for the other person in the relationship, regardless of if you are a part of that solution or not.
Millennial: I would define love as sacred, being safe and comfortable, being a home base and anchor and supporter [for someone]. I would define it as all-consuming, two people growing their lives together. Also, you have to love yourself in order to love other people, and that takes work.
Gen X: Love to me is making something precious and worthy of my resources, time, and attention, delighting in someone even. The partnership love I seek will be from someone I share life’s journey with, or at least part of that journey, and we will both give each other preference.
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