STRAIGHT TALK! WHY PARIS CAN’T FILL ZSA ZSA’S PUMPS!

Globe - - HEALTH REPORT -

UH-OH, Paris Hilton — the mon­ster who spawned Kim Kardashian — is back and des­per­ately try­ing to claw her way into rel­e­vance!

The re­al­ity TV air­head — who is now an over­paid DJ at par­ties at­tended by Euro­trash vam­pires — is try­ing to re­gain the lime­light in Amer­ica by pos­ing nude, wrapped in a mi­cro­phone cord and noth­ing else.

But here’s the prob­lem. Paris is a no-talent B-O-R-E — even when she starred in a “leaked” sex tape where she showed more in­ter­est in keep­ing her makeup smudge-free than romp­ing in bed.

She has noth­ing to of­fer the pub­lic — un­like her dis­tant rel­a­tive Zsa Zsa Ga­bor, who wed Paris’ ho­tel czar great-grandpa, Con­rad Hilton. Zsa Zsa made up in charisma what she lacked in talent. The nine-times mar­ried Hun­gar­ian vixen — who died at age 99 in 2016 — be­came a talk show sta­ple solely be­cause of her wicked wit.

Here are some of Zsa Zsa’s slyly clever re­marks that made her fa­mous — even with­out a crude sex video:

I am a marvelous house­keeper. Ev­ery time I leave a man, I keep his house.

I never hated a man enough to give him his di­a­monds back.

I want a man who’s kind and un­der­stand­ing. Is that too much to ask of a mil­lion­aire?

Get­ting di­vorced just be­cause you don’t love a man is al­most as silly as get­ting mar­ried just be­cause you do.

How many hus­bands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I know noth­ing about sex, be­cause I was al­ways mar­ried.

Now, here’s Paris’ wis­dom: “When Paris has to pee, Paris has to pee!”

And the kids won­der why we miss the Good Old Days.

Dim bulb Hilton shows none of the wit dis­played by Ga­bor, her great­grand­dad’s glam­orousex-wife

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