Woman feels suffocated by close clan

Dear Amy: I am in my 30s, and have been dating my boyfriend for two years. While my family lives in a different state, he lives with his folks at home. This would not be a problem, except that we seem to spend an excessive amount of time with his family, usually at least one weekend afternoon each weekend, in addition to dinners during the week.

Family birthdays and anniversaries tend to be all-day affairs, and with siblings and grandparents living close by it feels like I spend all of my time with his family. This feels excessive, and I feel more like a kid than a grown woman.

My boyfriend does not seem to see it this way. He is always asking if I mind doing additional things with his parents.

I have tried telling him how I need to feel like we are developing our own relationship outside of his family, but I don’t know if he hears me, or if I’m asking too much.

I know he gets a lot of pressure from his parents to spend time with them, but I am wanting him to set some boundaries. Stuck

Dear Stuck: Your boyfriend He is acting like a man whose world has always revolved around his family. YOU are the interloper, you are the extra, and you will be expected to fold into the strong social and family system that already exists.

Yes, this is too much time for you to spend with his family. How do I know this? Because you think it is.

I agree that boundaries need to be drawn. But YOU should draw the boundary, and it should be for you — not him.

If weekend afternoons with family wear you out, you should go to a yoga class — or a matinee with a friend, instead. He might decide that he misses hanging with you, and so he might choose to do something with you. (He might not, mind you, but because you’ll already have a plan for yourself, it won’t matter.)

I assume that you enjoy his family, and I assure you that you will enjoy them more if you are making choices according to your own desires and priorities.

You should also face reality: This is the way it is. This is the way HE is. Unless he finally chooses to be a different kind of adult, the near and far-off future with him will always include his clan.

Ask Amy,

P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. e-mail: askamy@tribune.com