Sheltered niece cannot stay with aunt
Dear Amy: My sister found out she has cancer, and is refusing treatment. She is 74.
My 48-year-old niece lives with her and always has. She has never worked.
She has a lot of issues, mostly because my sister would not let her grow up.
Now my niece is hinting at living with me down the road (after her mother dies).
There is no way I’d ever agree to that, but I can’t figure out how I can make this clear to her without being totally rude. She will latch onto whoever is available, I’m sure.
My sister has not asked me, but I’m afraid it’s coming.
Can you help? Not Interested Dear Not Interested: It is not rude to tell the truth. Clarity is not rude, if it is accompanied by compassion.
You should be frank and also kind. Say to your niece, “I think it’s most important for all of us to help your mom through her illness. That’s what we need to do first. I want you to know that I won’t provide housing for you down the road, but I WILL help you in other ways. If you want some ideas for how to handle a housing issue, I’ll work with you on that.” It’s important that you emphasize that you will not abandon her, although she and her mother might interpret your statement that way. Your tone should be frank, friendly, and steadfast. Repeat, “You can do it, and I’ll help,” as many times as necessary.
Your niece might be eligible for social services, and a social worker could help her to connect with them. She will need to be assessed regarding her life skills, medical issues, etc. Her mother might be able to provide for her financially, and you would be doing them both a great service to assist them with coming up with a plan for how that might happen.
If your niece has been completely reliant on her mother her whole life, her mother’s loss will be a major loss for her. Be very patient. Dear Amy: “Gimme a Break” was upset that her son’s friend constantly begged for snacks and toys. In your answer, you suggested that the friend should bring an extra snack for the kid.
That’s just giving in to the bullying! Upset Dear Upset: I was suggesting a strategy for how this friend might be generous, but also create parameters around the begging.