Memoirist might be violating privacy
Dear Amy: I’ve very recently started writing about my life, sharing my story with my friends, family, and people in my community.
I am an adult in my mid20s, married and pregnant with my first. I’ve just published my first story, covering ages 6 to 11. I am receiving lots of positive feedback. However, my parents, and in particular my mother, are disturbed by me sharing “our” private life.
I mention my parents in my story, but my focus is on ME, not them.
My mom thinks I’m speaking very negatively of her. My sister has tried telling my parents that there is nothing negative about the story, only that it’s private. I said that for anyone to grow as a person, they need to face things that could be difficult and sad. I’ve told her that she may be feeling guilty about some of the troubles I went through when I was young, but that I don’t cast any blame on anyone.
My mom has made it very clear to me that she is NOT OK with me sharing it, and that if I do, I should NOT share it with our family chat group, because she does NOT want to see it, and will NOT read it. She is very angry!
Should I not be sharing my life story? Am I infringing on my parents’ privacy? Leaving them out would render my story useless, no? Dear Want: Let me quote the late, great Nora Ephron: “You get to tell your own story,” she said. “What you shouldn’t do is tell anyone else’s.” You own the story of your childhood. But, for instance, you should not write about your parents’ marriage, or about that time your sister didn’t get invited to the prom. Those stories belong to them.
I’ve now published two memoirs, and what I’ve learned is that everyone holds a different truth. And most people do NOT want someone else to write about them, and every memoirist faces family consequences about what they’ve written.
What you should NOT do is insist that family members read it or discuss it with you.
Stop telling your mother how to feel or how to interpret what you’ve done, but accept that she is upset. Instead of sharing full text on your group chat, you should publish on a blogging platform (I use Tumblr), and share a link: “Here’s my latest installment. If you’re interested in reading, click here.”
Ask Amy,
P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. e-mail: askamy@tribune.com