Alcoholic keeps returning to abuser

Dear Amy: My friend is an alcoholic. Sometimes she tries to stop drinking.

In addition to the alcohol, she seems to be addicted to an abusive relationship.

When she is with the man, he verbally and physically abuses her, and she calls friends and parents for help, apparently truly frightened for her life.

He has threatened her family, too. He is a scary guy.

If someone steps up to rescue her, she plays with getting sober, may or may not find work, etc. Then the guy calls her, threatens to have her arrested on ridiculous charges, and “forces” her to return to him.

This cycle repeats itself. When she is sober and away from him, she appears to see how destructive the relationship is.

But he always sucks her back in.

How can I (and her other family) help, other than prayer?

Do we continue to “rescue”? Do we leave her with him, knowing she could end up dead?

Longtime, Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend: This is an exercise in powerlessness and patience.

You cannot physically remove your friend from this abusive relationship, and so your task is to love her as much and as well as you can — patiently and without judgment.

Enabling can sometimes feel like rescue, and you should learn the difference. But yes, when she reaches out for “rescue,” you should do your best to respond.

Tell her you are worried about her. Tell her you are there for her. Tell her this doesn’t change the way you feel about her.

Ask her if she is ready to get professional help, and then have the address and number for the Domestic Violence Hotline on hand: thehotline.org (or call 800799-7233).

Dear Amy: A woman signing her letter “Protected Secret” wondered how to disclose her long-ago rape to her fiance.

Thank you so much for your compassionate answer.

I had a similar dark secret and chose to disclose it through writing a letter, which I asked my boyfriend to read. He is now my husband.

Been There

Dear Been There: I like your approach.