Fiancee fears family will start drama

Dear Amy: During our marriage, my ex-husband rarely made time for us, (although he was great with the kids when he was with them).

I would take our kids on vacations without him because he always had something better to do. I filed for divorce and moved out of his home over two years ago.

I made the decision to do this without telling my parents and siblings because I knew, even though they could see how unhappy I was, that they would not be supportive.

To this day they continue to invite him to family holidays and events, but become upset with me when I refuse to attend.

Since leaving, I have had little to no contact with my immediate family. Obviously, this is very hard on me, and it is also confusing for my children.

I have attempted to talk to them about this and it becomes an argument every time. They have told my children that I shut them out, but to me it feels like they shut me out.

I have met an amazing man, and we are now planning our wedding.

When I attempted to talk to my mom about wedding plans, her only response to my chosen wedding date was, “That’s my weekend to work.”

I struggle with even inviting my immediate family to the wedding for fear that drama will be started.

I want to move on with my life and hope that my family will be a part of that, but at this point I am at a loss for what to do next. At a Loss

Dear At A Loss: You chose to leave your husband, but never told your parents. Your silence and absence has left a void, and now you seem to wonder why you don’t have a relationship with them.

In order to have a relationship, and in order to include them in your life, you need to participate in theirs.

Because you seem to want some contact, I suggest that you risk a little “drama” in order to re-enter your family system. Invite them to your wedding, and take this opportunity to try to turn the page. After your wedding, invite them to your home, go to their homes when you are invited — encourage them to get to know your new husband.

Obviously, if this is an overall toxic experience for you, you will have to make a different choice.