Couple avoid fights by using email

Dear Amy: How often does it really work to just TELL people something? You frequently say, “You should say to your friend, ‘thus and so’...”

While the advice might be good, and it’s necessary to be upfront and honest with people, I wonder how often saying “[whatever]” would actually resolve the problem. Or would it just start an argument?

My husband and I basically have a very happy marriage of 45 years duration. However, my dear husband has a short fuse. Even though I often mentally dither for hours about how to couch a complaint or suggestion in such a way that it won’t offend or upset him, it often doesn’t work. He immediately goes on the defensive, and then on the offensive, and we are in an argument that I had hoped to avoid.

I have sometimes resorted to emailing him. This way, I can take time to “craft” my case or my request; then he can read it at leisure and respond after he’s had time to process it. We can present our “sides,” ask questions, and work through issues without having hot words fill the air. Different strokes for different folks, I guess!

Still a Fan

Dear Fan: When I counsel people to “say” something, I am really encouraging them to express themselves, in whatever way works best.

I grew up in a family that rarely communicated about “hard” feelings. I thought that if I expressed difficult emotions, it meant that I was a “difficult” person.

Later in life, I’ve learned that — sometimes — it’s OK to be difficult.

I have definitely chosen to communicate textually (text, email, letter) when it is important to get the words exactly right. I agree with you that this can often be the most effective way to communicate with a loved one. Each party has the time and space to take in what is being expressed.

When people choose to verbalize their feelings, it is helpful to choose the right moment and the right words (sometimes even practicing in advance). That’s why I try to inspire people by providing a little script.

As always, however, when you behave authentically, you must prepare for the other person to respond authentically — and (more often than not), that person goes off script! This is why it is so important to not only learn how to talk, but also listen.