Dad’s new woman plays out old story
Dear Amy: My mom died two years ago. Less than six months later, my father started dating a new woman.
My siblings and I tried to be as supportive as possible. Our father was amazing to our mother as she battled cancer. He deserves love and companionship, and our mother wanted that for him, too
However, over time it has become evident that this woman’s intentions are to drive a massive wedge between our father and his four kids. She has created lies that change our father’s image of each of us. She’s hidden pictures of our mother and replaced them with ones of herself. She has insulted the “way we were raised.” She has made each of us feel so distant — and unwelcome — in our home and with our family.
At this point, all four of us are beginning to feel estranged from our father. We’ve tried speaking with him and with her, but it always ends in vicious fights and with our father taking her side.
We want Dad to be happy, but with someone else.
We are hoping that, as he is a devoted reader of your column, he’ll see this, and your objectivity will provide some clarity.
Three Daughters
Dear Three Daughters: Trying to rescue someone from the heartbreak of a toxic relationship most often results in a dynamic that reminds me of the old “Chinese finger trap” puzzle: the harder you pull, the harder they cling to the relationship.
You are trying to control your father, because you can see how his partner is changing the dynamic between you, gaslighting him and creating a widening breech. Don’t help her! The more you sisters “gang up” on her, the harder your father will cling.
Despite your own loss and grief, you likely have no idea of what his loss has been like and what his needs are.
You’re going to have to respect your father’s right to make choices about his own life
Here is what you convey: “We love you. We want you to be happy. Your partner isn’t very nice to us, and we worry about you, but you have the right to make your own choices. We’ll always be your daughters, we’ll always be here for you, and we’ll do our best to be supportive, no matter what. Dad, let’s just promise that we will always keep the door open.”