My wife maintains her perfect political record

Election Day has come and gone. There were winners and there were losers, which is always sad. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone could be a winner? Well, maybe not.

I’m depressed because the person I voted for lost — my wife. She doesn’t have a good track record. She wasn’t elected president the last two times, and this year she didn’t make our town’s Board of Finance.

I’ve always believed I could get a few brownie points by writing her name on the ballot, but it never works. She goes crazy and starts to lecture me: “Blah, blah, blah, you’re a disgrace. You don’t take the democratic process seriously!”

Then, I counterattack and say, “Blah, blah, blah, you’re a disgrace because you don’t take the democratic process seriously because if you did, you’d be willing to serve your country, your state, your town, your parish council — or any of those other places I’ve written your name on the ballot. Besides, if you were president, I wouldn’t be paying $7.99 for prune levkar at the supermarket.”

But she insisted: “If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve, and if you write my name in again, it’s curtains for you.”

I chose her instead of Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and Joe Biden, and I still believe I made the right choice even though all you Democrats and Republicans probably think I’m crazy or irresponsible or both.

If Sandy were elected, there would be no Russian collusion ... although the New York Times might win another Pulitzer Prize for its investigative reporting on TJ Maxx collusion. Someone will probably send them a dossier that includes our credit card bill.

IMPORTANT POINT: Let me say on the record that I don’t promote political candidates in my column, so I am NOT urging you to vote for my wife.

To quote that much-maligned American, Richard Nixon: “I want to make one thing perfectly clear.” I’m not using this column to push her candidacy for president, for governor or for dog catcher.

And I certainly don’t want to be accused of a conflict of interest like CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, who was always trying to make his brother Andrew, the disgraced governor of New York, look like King Arthur helping damsels in distress. If I ever did that, they’d take away my columnist’s license, or ship me off to CNN.

I have to wait three more years for the next presidential election, although America would be a happier place if we had presidential elections every year to encourage turnover at the top. Change is good. At least that’s what my corporate bosses always assured me when they were cutting jobs and consolidating departments.

This year, to Sandy’s dismay, I wrote her in for the Board of Finance. I didn’t think she was ready to be the First Selectperson. Besides, I didn’t want politics to cut into our quality time as a married couple. I believe every couple should have more time to discuss important issues, such as the energy crisis and why my socks were under the bed again.

She’d be perfect for the finance board because she pays the bills in our house, since I have a history of bouncing checks that goes back to my college days. Once she took over the checking account, our credit rating improved, and collection agencies stopped calling me at 9 p.m. to wish me good night. Plus, she knows how to control spending. Unfortunately, it’s my spending.

Our family budget is finally balanced. She’s done a better job than the U.S. government, which has a $3 trillion deficit and rising. (Can you imagine how many debt collection calls Joe Biden gets?)

While I was in the voting booth, I considered writing her in for a vacant seat on the school board, but public education is in turmoil and that’s the last place you want to be, with all those undercover FBI agents pretending to be PTA parents, baking brownies and Rice Krispie treats that are bugged.

She didn’t get elected this year, but I’m not giving up hope. Next year, I plan to write her in during the mid-term elections. There are plenty of incumbents who need a break. Maybe she’ll be governor, maybe she’ll be senator, maybe she’ll be attorney general. Change is good. Trust me. (I think Richard Nixon said that. Or maybe it was Jimmy Carter. Or Ronald Reagan. Or Hillary Clinton. Or Donald Trump. Actually, they all said it.)